Chapter Text
2009
To say Phil was in love was a fucking understatement.
At 22 years old, Phil wasn’t very lucky in love. His first boyfriend at 18 came after years of boys denying his various attempts at asking them out. His anxiety around actually getting into a relationship was squashed every time he stuttered out hello towards a cute boy and they laughed back in his face.
Watching his friends have partners after partners was heart-breaking when all Phil wanted was a chance to feel this so-called love that everyone around him seemed to have. Phil will forever remember crying to his Mum at the age of sixteen that he was unlovable and will forever be unlovable, teenage anxiety sweeping over his body and leaving a heavy weight on his back whenever he witnessed his friends get into another relationship when he couldn’t even get into one.
So, when a boy finally showed interest and answered Phils simple ‘hello’ on Facebook, Phil felt like he was on top of the world. He quickly fell into spending all his wages from his little part time job on gifts and dates on his first boyfriend. Walking around his school hand in hand was his new favourite thing, showing off to his peers and parents that he was lovable – that someone did want to be in a relationship with him.
Being so caught up in his first relationship, he didn’t notice it turn sour pretty quickly. His Mum did, watched the way another boy slowly ruined her son while he stayed completely oblivious to it, arguing with his parents and friends whenever they even mentioned he was taking advantage of Phil.
Instead of presents and dates, his boyfriend began asking for the money instead. With a full heart of love, Phil completely gave in. Immediately transferring all his money as soon as his boss transferred it into his bank account became a monthly thing. Although he couldn’t buy the newest clothes or games, Phil was happy as long as his boyfriend was happy.
Phil didn’t hear the comments his boyfriend gave to his friends.
“I’m only with him because he gives me £100 a month.”
Then the question of sex came into it. Phils friend had constantly bragged about the sex they were having, whether it being one-night stands or with their boyfriend or girlfriend, they talked about it. It was hard at first, not even being able to find someone interested in him for a simple one-night stand while all his friends where having one every other week. He was 17 at this point, porn and masturbation taking over every teenager as hormones grew. Phil was sick of using his right hand if he was honest, even venting his frustrations to his best friend who simply laughed and told him the time would come.
The time did come. And Phil hated it.
Phil expected it to be mind-blowing. A wave of pleasure his right hand could never bring him, a sensation that he will never forget. He also expected it to be loving. Since he knew what sex was, he always imagined his first time to be slow and loving followed by giggles and cuddles. He wished he never had that fucking dream.
He cried after his first time. His boyfriend was rough, using him for his own pleasure, not even being bothered to stretch him or use lube. Phil hadn’t even been in that much pain when he broke his hand a few months earlier. His boyfriend came inside him, not even bothering to clean him up or even making Phil reach his own orgasm before he was muttering an excuse that he had plans with friends and leaving.
The thought of ringing his Mum crossed his mind as he curled up on top of his dorm room bed, crying harder then he ever had and just wanting the comfort of someone. He turned his phone off before he could agree to his thoughts and cried himself to sleep.
He broke it off a month later. Phil couldn’t deal with the unloving sex and constant negative comments. He couldn’t afford to eat most days, constantly sending a majority of his wages to his boyfriend. He was sick of it. This wasn’t the relationship he watched his friends be in. This wasn’t the loving relationship he always wanted.
After that, he refused to settle for anything unless he knew it was going to be the loving relationship he craved for. His Mum watched him come home after countless unsuccessful first dates, crying himself to sleep when he thought his parents and brother were asleep. Phil started to believe he was truly unlovable, his previous teenage thoughts flooding back into his mind.
Until four years past and he met Dan.
Phil had turned to making his own videos as he lost friends when he turned nineteen. He had always been a social person growing up, and the sudden loss of friends wasn’t a situation he took well. Talking to a camera allowed him to feel wanted even if the conversation was always one sided. By the time 2009 rolled around, he had gained an active following that actually watched his videos. One of them being Dan Howell.
A simple reply to a tweet turned into dms, texts and into Phils new favourite thing, skype calls. Nothing made him smile as much as talking to Dan until two in the morning, having someone listen to what he says and replying with genuine care was something that instantly lift Phils spirit. Skype calls turned into a daily routine that ended up lasting for months and before he knew it, Dan had booked tickets to meet him.
That week was the best thing that Phil had ever experienced. A lot of flirting and cuddling warmed Phils heart and left him in a good mood that lasted way after Dan left. No one had ever made him feel as wanted and giddy as Dan did. Phil had fallen madly in love with Dan, and this was a fact he was very proud to boast about. His Mum, Dad and brother had to deal with Phil constantly talking about Dan, grinning and blushing every time he mentioned how cute something Dan did was. His Mum was delighted, finally happy his son had someone who valued him unlike his previous boyfriend and friends who hurt him badly. Someone who made Phil happy and proud to be who he was.
His Mum wasn’t surprised when Phil admitted to her that he was going to ask Dan out at the Halloween gathering he was attending later that month. She watched her son practise his speech in the mirror each night, buying the most expensive flowers he could find in preparation for the gathering to come around. When Phil asked his Mum if Dan would say yes when the nerves hit him hard, she strongly replied that he would say yes. She had watched him talk to Dan, watched the video they recorded together, she saw the connection the two had and truly believed she’d met her sons future husband.
This was the first time her maternal instinct failed her.
Phil never text her throughout the time he was down south. She assumed Dan had said yes and the two were doing loving stuff that she’d rather not think about her son doing. But she just knew her son was happy and that she would pass the fact that Phil wasn’t replying to her just this once.
So, to hear her son walk in and instantly break down against the front door was a shock. Her other son – Martyn – instantly left his spot on the couch to meet his younger brother at the door. Her instinct was to comfort her son, but she knew he wouldn’t want to be bombarded with herself and his brother. She had to ignore the deep desire to go and comfort her son when Martyn told her Phil wanted a few hours alone.
Phil walked down a few hours later, instantly cuddling into her side. She let him remain quiet until he wanted to speak, simply being there for her son.
“He said no.”
Phil had never been so broken before in his life. He had promised himself he’d never let himself be unhappy again. Even when he lost all his friends, he turned his loneliness into a positive thing. Talking to a camera gained him a following of 80,000 people that truly allowed him to feel less alone. His first relationship was something he never wanted again, really wanting to find a loving relationship that would last a long time. He finally thought he had found that with Dan. He thought he had read all the signs right. Dan had been flirting with him and cuddled into him as they fell asleep earlier that month, he truly believed Dan felt the exact same way he did.
Dan looked adorable in his bear outfit. Phil had proudly told him that which was followed by a smirk and a flirty reply, something that had became very common between the two. Phil was ecstatic to ask Dan out, truly believing full heartily that Dan would say yes.
His mind was full the entire day, and for once he welcomed it. Thoughts of what it would feel like to kiss Dan was his favourite, he simply couldn’t wait to see how they would work together. He also couldn’t wait to fuck Dan. His masturbation sessions lately had contained Dan in one way or another. Thinking how Dan would feel around him, how his moans would sound like. How loving it would be.
Phil truly couldn’t wait for the best day of his life.
They were alone, sitting away from the rest of the group. They were quiet, comfortable silence sweeping over them. He was just building up the courage to start the conversation, to ask Dan to be his finally.
Deciding to just fuck it, he turned towards Dan who replied with a small smile. Leaning forward, he kissed Dan. He felt his heart explode. He felt the connection instantly, the spark set off within him. He felt truly content. He knew he could get used to this. Until Dan pulled away.
“Woah Phil, what are you doing?”
“I…what? I, um, tho-thought you wanted this?”
“No. Phil, you’re my best friend and I do love you, but not in that way.”
“So-sorry. Just with all the flirting and cuddling I thought you felt that way.”
“That’s just me Phil, I’m a very affectionate guy. That’s how I act with all my close friends.”
Phil had to look down at his shoes, shouting at himself not to cry for god sake. He couldn’t look weak. He couldn’t look heartbroken. He had put this façade on before.
“Its just a stupid crush, it’ll go away. I hope we can still be friends?”
“Of course, silly, you’re my best friend!”
Phil was unlovable, he knew this. No one would ever love him. He was destined to have his heart broken.