Chapter Text
The trouble started when Naruto started acting…squirrely.
Someone would ask him how he felt now that his penultimate goal was so near, and he’ d brush the question off. Inquiries about party plans if (when) he was made Hokage were met with ‘Eh, whatever.’
Three days before Kakashi was set to retire, Naruto and Sasuke disappeared.
Sakura swore up and down that she had no idea where they’d gone, but the shit eating grin on her face said otherwise.
Of course losing a former S-class criminal who had attempted to assassinate a Kage and plotted to assassinate several more was really no laughing matter. You couldn’t tell anyone in the Hokage Tower that.
Kakashi didn’t seem all that disturbed, though the Council of Clans, the Jounin Council, an the Elder Council for once all agreed: this was a disaster. The Hero of the Fourth War had just run off with no warning, effectively going missing nin with a walking mental health disaster and no plan.
Kakashi informed the councils that he still planned on retiring, and the hunt was on.
Inuzuka Kiba was immediately tapped. Intelligent, an accomplished ninja, a proven team player with a deep sense of moral fair play and a dedication to his village on top of all the work he’d done to improve and expand the Inuzuka ninken techniques.
“Pass,” he’d said. He was too busy working on building a search and rescue net for the Shinobi Alliance that could transcend their villages in case of natural disasters.
Aburame Shino? A prodigy of insect breeding, the strongest Ark-Hive in the history of his clan. Cool under pressure, polite and deadly.
“I feel I can better serve Konoha in the Research Division.”
Sakura! Surely Haruno Sakura would consider the job? The disciple of Tsunade, puncher of goddesses, medical prodigy, champion of better enforced laws and regulations regarding the health of Konoha’s villagers, shinobi and citizen alike?
“Yeah, no way.”
Down the list they went.
Hinata? “The Hyuuga and the dissolution of the Branch House need my full attention. I’m very sorry.”
Alright, Neji. "Once the Branch is dissolved I will be needed to help guide the Hyuuga to a new dawn. I am flattered, but must decline."
Tenten? “Are you kidding? I’ve got fourteen smiths lined up for a new workshop I’m not gonna be Hokage!”
Ino?
“HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA oh wait you’re serious. No. Get out.”
What about Rock Lee?
"It would be an honor! But there is much to be done in proper taijutsu training for the new Academy, and I have only just received a genin team! I hope to do my Sensei proud! I-"
Okay no.
Shibi, Hiashi, Genma? ….GAI?
No, no, no, and 'Dear Rival while I appreciate your consideration-’
Until Kakashi, barely holding back laughter, offered the job to Nara Shikamaru.
Who looked him dead in the eye and said, “No. It’d be a drag. But I have a better idea.”
-
The trouble got even worse when Akimichi Chouji, freshly returned from a successful diplomatic mission to the Land of Swamps, made the mistake of opening his front door to find his best friend, the Hokage, and a small pile of paperwork between them.
“No,” he’d said immediately.
“Chouji-”
“No-”
“You have the training-”
“Shikamaru in what universe do you even remotely think-”
“-you were a commander in the war, you’re respected-”
“Shikamaru-”
“-and it’s not like running a clan is that much different from running a village, albeit writ large-”
“SHIKAMARU!!”
“You’re hired,” Kakashi said.
—
Chouji never wanted to be Hokage.
For one thing it was supposed to be a job for the strongest ninja in the village and the definition of strength, to ninja, was always a bit squishy. Oh yes Chouji would agree he’s strong physically, but he couldn’t exactly turn the world with godlike jutsus. He didn’t have a huge chakra construct or a nine-tailed demon fox or even a swarm of obedient chakra-eating insects. Sure he'd gained some interesting quirks during the war but he was just- himself.
The kind of strength Chouji had always treasured wasn’t the kind Konoha had ever told him was useful.
Then there was the fact that Hokage was a job for people who knew that sometimes you had to inflict a lot of hurt to get any good. Hokage was a position that required deviousness, diplomacy, and a mind bent always to the best possible outcome not for people at large but the village as a whole. It needed a certain ruthlessness that Chouji didn’t think he had in him.
To be fair, Naruto hadn’t really had it in him, either. Maybe that was why he’d taken off.
Chouji seriously debated going after him. Going missing-nin would be worth it if he could strangle the life out of his friend for putting him in this situation.
-
Chouji's last ditch hope had been voting procedure. Citizens and ninja of Konoha could cast ballots, and the three councils would also vote. Surely a write-in candidate (there were a few campaigns happening) would win the day?
Chouji knew that the citizens of Konoha wouldn't vote for a nin they barely knew, even if he had a familiar clan name. The nin of the village likewise wouldn't throw their weight behind him when they had options like Shino or Hinata, even Ibiki. The Elder council, the Clan council, the Jounin council? They'd been prepped and ready for a walking chakra dynamo to defend their village. Chouji made a damn fine souffle but he didn't have a tailed beast.
He was safe.
-
“I am going to kill you,” Chouji said to Shikamaru, as calmly as he’d often asked his best friend if he wanted another chip. “and no one is going to believe it was me, so no one will ever find your body.”
“Chouji hold still,” Ino said, tweaking how the hat sat on his head. “You and all your hair…”
“I will erect a golden statue of you playing shogi,” Chouji decided, “and I will dedicate it to my friend Shikamaru, who stabbed me so deeply in the back he might as well have done it in the front.”
“Stop being so dramatic,” Shikamaru said, critically examining the robes as they sat. “Ino we’ve got too much length here.”
“Well you know if you’d give me a second and WAIT FOR THE ACTUAL SEAMSTRESS-”
“Maybe I’ll bury you next to Hidan,” Chouji said dreamily.
–
The Akimichi Clan had absolutely no idea what to do with the fact that their heir had been bamboozled into becoming the leader of the village.
Every single Akimichi walked around looking dazed and confused for a week after the ceremony. Chouza seemed entirely shellshocked.
The only person who was proving to be useful was Chouji’s mother.
“Well, what’s done is done,” she told her son, who was having a hard time looking at the hat while his entire life was packed up by ANBU (ANBU. He’s in CHARGE OF THE FUCKING ANBU-) and carried out the door. “Do the best you can.”
–
Homura and Koharu talked too much and Chouji informed them of that, in front of Terumi Mei’s bewildered envoy.
“There’s no reason to say no,” he said, somewhat enjoying their flabbergasted faces. “The shoreline in question hasn’t been contested in forty years and pirates have been spotted off the coast three times in the past seven months. We’re building the joint garrison. Do you have a list of potentials?” He asks the envoy.
The young Mist ninja nodded. He was a Hoshigaki, or Chouji figured he was; big round eyes, gills. “I- to be frank, Lord Hokage, I didn’t think I’d get this far.”
“Neither did I,” Chouji told him.
–
Chouji put down his chopsticks and gestured for one of the ANBU- Rabbit- to come a little closer.
“Sir?”
“So the cooks are still around, right?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good. Go round them up, please. That’s definitely poisoned.”
“Sir?!”
“Foxglove,” Chouji said with a small smile. “I’ve always liked the bite.”
–
“I’m sorry, Shino, could you repeat that? Slowly, so the Elder Council can hear? You know their ears aren’t very good.”
Shino obediently repeated to a red-faced Homura and Koharu why it was that this particular breed of moth had to be restored to the Forest of Death.
“Sounds reasonable to me,” Chouji said once he was done. “Who do we put in charge of that?”
–
It was almost midnight and Shikamaru couldn’t get Chouji to move from the desk.
“Chou, let it go.”
“No,” Chouji said. “I should have known.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
“You would have.”
Shikamaru winced. “Chouji, you’re not..”
“Not like you. I’m not a genius or a powerhouse I’m just a fucking AKIMICHI, Shika!” He stands and the desk pushes forward, shaking. “Five men are dead because I missed the fine fucking print and that’s unacceptable! I told you I couldn’t do this, I told you to pick someone else I-”
Shikamaru came around the desk, wrapped his arms around Chouji. The man breathed deep and rested his forehead on Shikamaru’s shoulder.
“I’m not a Hokage, Shika,” Chouji whispered. “I’m just a screwup.”
“No, Chouji,” Shikamaru responds, “you’re not.”
–
After the Kage Summit wherein Chouji had given his full report regarding what he’d come to call “The Uzumaki-Uchiha Extended Honeymoon”, Gaara pulled him to the side. The desert was researching green barriers to help with the path of oasis normally travelled by visitors, did Chouji have any ideas regarding…?
They talked for a solid three hours. When Chouji got home he sent Ino a quick missive.
"You want me to send who to where?"
"Trust me, Ino."
Yamanaka Kouta was more than happy to pack his bags and all of his soil samples and head to Suna.
When the first barriers began to take root in earnest, Gaara sent Chouji a succulent plant. It lived on the corner of his desk in a pool of constant sunshine.
–
“You know it’s looking good,” Ino told Chouji as she pulled back from his office window. "I think they even got that scar on the side of your mouth right."
“If I don’t look it’s not real,” Chouji told her and stamped another piece of paper.
“Chouji it’s just your face on the rock.”
“My face does not belong anywhere near that rock, Ino.”
“Sure it doesn’t,” she said, and kissed him on the forehead.
–
Five years after Naruto and Sasuke began their world tour, they were welcomed back at the gates of Konoha with fanfare. There was laughter, tears, and Chouji.
Who promptly sucker-punched Naruto so hard it took him an hour to shake off the blow and another hour to remember how to properly teleport back to Konoha.
“That wasn’t nice,” he complained as he climbed through the window of the Hokage's office, as he's done for the third, the fifth, and the sixth.
“Fuck you I’m Hokage,” the Seventh said sweetly. "Have a cookie."
Sasuke, nursing his own black eye and with a cup of strong hot tea, began to laugh.