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Shiro has a mysterious disease. He is getting weaker and makes crises from time to time. It is an unknown disease. But the Hakumaitou trio knows with no doubt what it is caused by.
Shiro hypothesized that his power of immortality had absorbed the damage of time, but it could also had only pushed some back . Now that his power has disappeared, his body can no longer hold its 90 years of existence as if it were only twenty. His physical state was weakening, and his morale did not hold up well either. But it was of course impossible for them to explain this to the doctors. They were convinced that the only way to cure Shiro was to find out where the disease was coming from. But they were far from imagining the truth ... So Kuroh is trying by all means to find something to cure Shiro, rather than wasting time looking for something he already knew and could not be revealed. At least, he had found something to relieve Shiro and repel the effects a little bit. Kuroh and Shiro promised to find a solution. They promised themselves that they would fight together to the end. No matter the outcome of this fight, they will not give up, and will stay together.
Shiro was getting weaker and weaker. The pills and vitamins he took each day were clearly no longer enough. He even made a crisis at the academy. Luckily he did not have class at that time, but it scared Shiro. And Kuroh feared that it would happen again when he's not there. It was difficult, but Shiro agreed to give up his job, and stopped teaching. He was quickly replaced and he stayed as much as possible at home. Kuroh had to find a job to bring the money they needed to live and continue the research. Over time, Shiro had to stay in bed longer and longer, his seizures were more frequent and more violent, to the point where he ended up bedridden all day, every day.
It was hard. As much for Shiro, who was suffering and who saw himself diminishing from day to day, unable to do anything; as for Kuroh, who loves this man immensely and cannot bear to see him smile to cover his suffering. He felt helpless, but he was confident in the future. There was no way he would leave him in this state. He deserves to be happy, and he knows that he is able to offer him this happiness through his love and hard work.
Every day, as usual, Kuroh returns from work and finds the man he cherished the most asleep. He smiles, puts his stuff on the desk. Neko is not at home, she must be spending the evening at Kukuri’s room, or even Hieda’s. He approaches the bed, climbs on it and strokes Shiro's chest. He blows his name in the hope of waking him tenderly. He slips his fingers over his cheek and Shiro opens his eyes, grunting. He smiles, as every time he has the pleasant surprise to see his lover near him. Kuroh sits next to him and Shiro stands up a little to snuggle into his arms. They are used to talk a little, to repeat how much they love each other. Then under the caresses of Kuroh, Shiro goes back to sleep often in his arms. These moments remind them of how happy they are to have each other by their side, and those little moments of tenderness only reinforced their love. If they forgot about Shiro's health problems, then there was only rest, security, and love for a few minutes. And so every day Kuroh reminds them that they will be happy like that soon. That the future will be prosperous, because happiness always ends up smiling for those who suffer. Kuroh knows it well.
But one day, as he comes home, he finds Shiro lying on the floor, the box of sedatives on the floor, white pellets in Shiro's hand. Kuroh rushes over to him and tries to wake him, panicked. The scientist wakes up and Kuroh realizes that he had a seizure during his absence and that he was able to take sedatives on time. He puts Shiro back in the bed and he tells him that his crisis was very violent. This meant that the drugs he was taking once again became insufficient. Shiro's body was getting used to what he was taking, and as it was getting worse all the time, there was always a moment when it was not enough.
So Kuroh says that he needs to find more powerful ones to better relieve him and restrict his attacks, but this time Shiro does not agree with him. He wonders if it's really necessary to continue like this. It only delayed the inevitable. The drugs simply made him survive while he spent his life lying in a bed. Immediately, Kuroh's dismayed eyes filled with tears, then he lunges at Shiro, bursting into tears.
"Do not say that, do not say that Shiro, especially do not say that ...!” He hugs Shiro tightly in his arms as he rarely did before, Shiro is confused to see his love torn like that. It takes him by surprise, he does not understand Kuroh's reaction at first, but soon realizes he's made a mistake. He worries about Kuroh and asks for forgiveness again and again, mechanically passing his fingers through his long hair. This kind of talk is Kuroh's greatest fear, because it means that Shiro suffers too much and prefers death, that Kuroh has failed. Shiro tries to reassure him, that's not what he meant, he will not give up. Kuroh confesses that he does not want to lose him, that to live without him is impossible, that he simply does not conceive of life without him. They will not give up. They will fight.
They talk a long time, both shed tears. They tell themselves things they kept for themselves: their greatest fear, their fears for the future and for the present, what they dreams of, and so on. They are huddled together, they have calmed down. Moreover, being often against Kuroh's chest like that, Shiro learned to read Kuroh's emotions and state of mind through the heartbeat. And suddenly, he feels his heart racing, his breath stops for a second and his muscles stiffen. The head he put on his hair had moved slightly. He had just thought of something.
"What are you thinking about?”
In fact, Kuroh was looking for a way to show Shiro how much he loves him, beyond their many "I love you".
"... Did you just have an idea?”
"Yes, I'm going to offer you something, a great thing." With a deep smile that Shiro had not seen for a long time, the dark-haired man leaves the room after leaving a soft kiss on his forehead.
Kuroh had gone to buy engagement rings. They were expensive but never mind. He will work even more if necessary. These engagements were too important. He then returns to the apartment to find Shiro still awake, sitting on a pillow.
"Haven’t you gone back to sleep yet?”
"How do you want me to fall asleep while I'm impatient to know what the gift is?"
Kuroh approaches the bed with the box hidden behind his back. He can clearly see the spark that shines in the eyes of the man he loves and it makes his heart melt. He tells him what he has on his heart as he spoke, and ends up asking him if he would agree to keep him in his life, forever by marrying him. He takes out the box in which is a beautiful ring. Shiro does not believe it, he looks at Kuroh with an unnamed adoration and says yes in a hiccup. He then sobs, hugging Kuroh tightly. He is happy. So happy.
"When is the wedding?” Shiro said jokingly.
"When you're on your feet again, brimming with vitality. It will be a wonderful marriage, I promise you.”
Kuroh had made many promises so far. He had always kept them, but he tends to do so very often.
Unfortunately, Shiro's condition continued to decline. So he had to go the hospital for more intensive and regular care, always under medical control. Kuroh was in a lot of pain. To see his love so weak ... he was terrified, terrified at the thought of losing him, having to let him go one day. But he refused that. However, his sadness was clearly felt by Shiro, who had a hard time seeing Kuroh, usually so strong, be so affected by his condition. And once, Kuroh was there, Shiro in his arms as always, and Shiro had the most violent crisis he had ever done. There, in his arms, under his eyes. He saw himself die. Kuroh was torn, deeply shocked. He had caught a syringe in time that he had to plant in his arm to calm him down. He squeezed him with all his strength and felt all his muscles relax, then Shiro's hands shook with the violence of the attack. Kuroh could not hold back his tears. It was too hard to see that, knowing nothing could be done. He would give his life to relieve him, if only for a little. He deserved so much happiness, why was he not able to offer him happiness?
"I don’t want to lose you," Kuroh says in a shaking voice, as if trying to reassure himself by evoking his fears. But this time, Shiro's answer was different.
"Kuroh, you'll probably have a hard time hearing that ... I know you love me. I love you so much, more than anything. I know you do not want to lose me but ... Kuroh ... I want to leave.”
And there, the panic he had the last time Shiro mentioned death comes back and rips his heart. Tears could not stop flowing. Shiro takes Kuroh's tear-filled face, never breaking his eye contact. He caresses his cheeks to chase away the tears that flowed, he caresses the red lips of his lover, he chases the black locks that fell in front of his face.
"It's okay, Shiro ... I promise you ...!”
Another promise.
"You like to promise me things, huh?” Shiro says, with a soft smile. "Promise me one thing. You're the one who suffers the most ... so promise me that."
Kuroh then glances at Shiro's, waiting for him to speak again.
"Forget me."
Kuroh could not, this idea was absurd, impossible, it was not even conceivable that he could forget him. Never never !
"Never, you know that I will not be able to do that, I cannot forget you, Shiro! I love you, and I will still love you, so ... No ... don't leave... "
"Kuroh, I don't want to live like that anymore. I do not want to be like that anymore ... I'm going to lose my mind ... I ..." Shiro starts to cry too. "It hurts so much" he says with a derailed voice.
He wants to finish it before he loses his mind, he wants to be able to choose to finish.
"Look at me, what do I look like now?”
"To the most beautiful person on hearth," Kuroh answers.
"To a man in agony Kuroh ... I cannot stand it anymore. I want to go home. Lying on our bed, with you. I want to be in your arms, at home when that happens. No regrets, no remorse. I want to be able to go in your arms Kuroh ..."
Kuroh has a lot of trouble swallowing it all. But Shiro is sincere.
"Think of it as my last will."
"You give up, then.”
"Yes, I give up. I do not have the strength to fight anymore. I'm sorry ... "
He slides his hand into Kuroh's hair, and manages to smile, as if what he had just said had been thought for a long time and he was relieved to have finally been able to say it.
"You are strong Kuroh. I know you are strong. It's for the better."
"No, no ... I cannot ... not without you ... "
Kuroh was inconsolable. He had to let the love of his life leave him, let him die ? He had to agree to never be able to see him again, to no longer find him every night after work, see him in the light of dawn in the morning, had to agree to be unable to feel his presence, to touch his skin, to kiss every corner of his body. To accept not to hear his voice, not to see his eyes, to hear his laughter. To no longer be able to tell him how much he loves him.
Yes, he could still do all that.
"Let's get married," Kuroh whispers, almost in despair. As if that was the solution he was looking for not to sink into Hell. "Let's get married now, Shiro."
Shiro nodded without hesitation. Their marriage was celebrated in the hospital room, on his bed, with Kuroh kneeling at his bedside. A priest was in charge of holding the intimate ceremony, Neko was present just like Hieda. It was quite difficult for both, the atmosphere was naturally heavy. It was far from the festive day Kuroh and Shiro dreamed about. But it was so. They finally united before the eyes of God, for life and until death, and well beyond.
And then, the day came. The doctors had reduced the doses and gave him only a few hours left. Shiro was taken back to the apartment he shared with his new family. The doctors were not far, and a makeshift facility had been put around the bed to accompany Shiro in his last moments. He iss in the bed, Kuroh is on his back, wrapping his arms around Shiro's frail body. Neko and Hieda kneeled next to the bed, the young girl firmly holding Shiro's right hand. There was no sound, only the singing of birds outside, the quiet sobs of Neko, the regular "beep beep" of medical machines and their calm and warm breaths. Kuroh and Shiro said nothing to each other. There was nothing to say. Everything was there.
Their love was there. Alone, together, at home. Kuroh has a limpid face. No tears flows. He had put his head on top of Shiro's skull, brushing his silver hair from his lips. God he loves him. But the idea of letting him go seems to him the solution he had so long sought, in vain. He has to be released, to release Shiro from his body once and for all. Shiro raises his left hand, a thin gold ring around a pale finger. Kuroh slides his left hand over the albino's palm until their fingers intertwines. Kuroh guides his hand to the sheet, gently putting them down. Shiro has his eyes closed, comfortably seated in Kuroh's warm arms. In a whisper, Shiro tells him that he loves him. Kuroh feels his heart beating painfully in his chest. He tells him that he loves him too, in a whisper as well because his voice might not be able to get the words out without derailing. There is a moment of silence filled with love. Their hearts were beating fast and loud, they forgot almost everything. It looked like the moments they loved to share. Then Kuroh feels his lover's body relax, his breath soften even more.
"Thank you."
Kuroh closes his eyes, savoring those moments as the last ones. He listens. He hears a great inhalation, a time, then a deep sigh. Then nothing.
His heart misses a beat and he notices with fright that the beep became one and the same signal. Shiro is dead. An enormous emptiness engulfed his entrails, and his eyes began to burn as ever. Tears flowed, his body was shaking. He pressed with all his might the hand he held in his. It was over.
He left.