Chapter Text
Three nights.
It had been three nights since Dean had fallen into this most recent cycle of loose women, cheap alcohol, and waking up without ever seeing the sun. The ringing phone did not get answered and the text messages never got a response. In the darkness of the hotel room he could see the moon peeking through the clouds outside the window.
Searing red seeped into his vision as the alarm clock on the side of the bed signaled it was already well past seven in the evening. He leaned off the bed fumbling for his boxers that were tossed on the floor. After getting both legs in, he glanced around the room to try to recall last night.
What was her name again? Sherry? Liza? Something like that. Dean couldn’t recall if the red-head was last night or the night before.
This is how Dean buried his sorrow.
Except he wouldn’t call it sorrow. He called it avoidance. Freedom. Anything else than what it actually was. Sorrow was for pansies and chicks and Dean was neither of those.
He stumbled into the bathroom and rinsed off, not even bothering to shower the sex and sweat away before he would go out and do it all again. While he brushed his teeth, he ran his fingers through his hair and peeled a fake eyelash off of his bicep. His head had started to thrum and he knew he needed to get another drink in him before he got a hangover. “The man’s hangover cure” his dad used to say. Like father, like son he supposed.
The hotel room had a small side table lamp he turned on to straighten out the room before finding clothes that didn’t smell too stale from his duffel. This was not Dean’s first rodeo and he blamed Sam.
Sam and his stupid big mouth.
But he really couldn’t be mad at Sammy, not really. In the end it all boiled down to Dean’s own stupid actions and everything that he fucked up on his own.
The light from Dean’s phone illuminated the wall by the TV stand. Huffing, Dean decided it would be best if he just turned his phone off. No one would miss him and he didn’t want to hear anything anyone had to say anyway. None of it could make it better.
Dean noticed he had 6 text messages from Sam and 10 missed calls. Overkill. Charlie even texted 3 times. None of these mattered, though. He didn’t matter. He didn’t care. Holding down the button he powered off the phone and headed down the road to the nearest bar.
***
The bartender’s name was Ellen. She glared at him when he ordered his usual three fingers of whiskey to start off with. Her eyes stayed locked on his while she poured it and when he went to reach for it her glare intensified. “I have one thing to add tonight.” she started. Dean held back the urge to roll his eyes and gave Ellen the most charming smile he could muster.
“And what’s that?” Dean inquired. Each night Ellen had given him a new rule.
First night was no bar fights. Well, that was no problem, he wasn’t there to talk to men. Nope. He’d sworn them off and had no intention going after a girl already with someone. And call Dean whatever name in the book but he wouldn’t start a bar fight with a woman intentionally. In his experience they usually won.
Next.
Second night was no driving. Ellen apparently saw how much alcohol Dean could really put back that first night with still being coherent enough to pick up a lady or two and head back to the hotel. She took his keys from him. The Impala now stayed safely parked at the hotel and he managed to convince the women he took back with him that it wasn’t that far of a walk. Fine. Check. Done.
Next.
Last night was the “You’ve had enough when I’ve said you’ve had enough” spiel. Dean had a bottle back at the hotel room and Cindy (oh! Right, Cindy was from last night), had a special treat for him in her purse. It had been a while since he had done that shit, but the occasion called for it.
If Ellen thought she could get him backed into a corner she had another thing coming. He was Dean Winchester and he knew how to find loopholes.
“You will not, under any circumstances, take my daughter back to whatever hole you’re staying in tonight.” Ellen wouldn’t give up the whiskey until Dean nodded in agreement with a ‘yes ma’am’ coming from his lips.
Dean left some cash with a nice tip at the bar and wandered over to an empty bar table where he was able to check out most of the bar’s patrons.
Not even two minutes later, Jo, Ellen’s daughter (of course), came up to the table with her notepad and a bar menu. “Burger again tonight Dean?” How could Ellen expect him to stick to the rules when a pretty blonde had batted her eyelashes at him?
“Yeah, that’d be great Jo.” Jo smiled at Dean’s response and hesitated before biting her lower lip and walking away.
***
After making out with Jo and almost getting her to blow him in the alley behind the bar, Dean left the bar with a pretty brunette, Maria, if he remembers correctly.
See, Dean followed Ellen’s rules and it definitely wasn’t Jo he took back to the hotel. Jo had slapped him when he (politely) declined her offer to go back with him following the messy hand job against the brick wall.
Dean had found Maria in the bar and bought her a few drinks before they decided to head out, Jo glaring daggers as they left. They barely made it back to Dean’s hotel room before clothes were coming off. Into the room they staggered and by the time Dean had his pants down to his ankles, Maria was already in her bra and panties and pushed him down onto the bed.
Maria giggled as she straddled him leaning down for a deep kiss. When Dean opened his eyes the wrong color blue was staring back at him. What little bit of an erection he had managed flagged at that point.
Dark hair. Blue eyes.
Fuck.
The whole visage of what he had been doing had started to crumble around him at an alarming rate. His breath caught in his throat and his hands were shaking. Not wanting to have his mental break down with this imposter (albeit a pretty one) staring at him, he managed to pretend to take control of the situation and flip her over.
He gave her the cockiest smile he could muster and mumbled about grabbing them another drink. As he approached his duffel bag on the far side of the room he could already hear her breath evening out and hoped she was too drunk to stay awake much longer. The bottle in his bag was mostly empty but he finished it off anyway and peeked back to see Maria passed out on the bed.
Damn. He should’ve gotten a room with two beds.
The little reprieve from his panic had started to fade and he grabbed the bag and locked himself in the bathroom. As he trembled, he lowered himself to the floor between the toilet and the tub and dug through his back pocket for his wallet.
The picture was wrinkled and shoved behind a flap but it was there. Of course it was there.
His self imposed dams broke and his eyes became blurry with tears.
Cas.
He stroked his thumb over the dark hair and bluest eyes. How could he ever try to make himself forget this man?
The better question was, how could he have ever let himself lose him in the first place?
They were good. Things were good, great, even. And his past came back to haunt him in the form of one Lisa Braeden. It was all in the past but the evidence was there that he fucked up.
He had been living with Castiel Novak for two years at that point and they were dating for three. Everything was perfect. Just the way it should be. They picked out the house together, they were close enough to Sam and Jess that it all felt right. This was going to be the rest of his life, and he was ecstatic.
And Cas. Cas was the best thing that had ever happened to him. When he was with Cas, there was no hell. No worries or pain or panic. Granted they had their own fights and squabbles but nothing they would go to bed angry over.
Not until Lisa showed up with a two year old.
At the time Dean thanked his lucky stars that Cas wasn’t home, but in the end it didn’t really matter. Lisa explained that she wanted a paternity test done because it was possible that Ben, her son, was Dean’s. Dean’s stomach dropped. He was almost at the precipice of hesitant happiness and couldn’t wait to tell Cas. They had discussed children before and both of them couldn’t wait to adopt when they were more financially stable. However, that’s when Dean realized that Cas wouldn’t be happy if Ben was his. He was a smart man, he could do the math.
He had cheated on Cas.
Dean always made excuses to himself and chalked it up to the fact that they had only been officially dating for about three months at the point of the ten year high school reunion. And Cas wasn’t able to go with Dean that weekend, so Dean took it upon himself to go meet up with his old high school buddies and get shitfaced beforehand.
He didn’t remember most of the night, however he did remember waking up in the morning naked next to Lisa in her hotel room while his phone vibrated in his jacket pocket.
After Lisa had left his house that day Dean was made aware of Ben’s presence, Dean sat in silence in the office (which was really more like Cas’s library) while he looked around at everything he was about to lose. He couldn’t lose Cas. He wouldn’t make it without him, Dean was sure of it. And the ring he had bought had been burning a hole in his pocket.
He couldn’t tell Cas. Dean decided he would have to figure everything out with Lisa first. Lisa wasn’t even one hundred percent positive that it was his anyway.
That night when Cas came home, Dean had cooked Cas’s favorite burgers and set up their outside movie screen so they could cuddle under the stars. Dean tried to not be distant because he knew Cas sensed something was wrong but, Cas being Cas, he never pushed him about it or questioned him. Cas just held him tighter and kissed him for longer.
Dean didn’t deserve Cas. While Dean was off screwing up their perfect life, Cas tried to make Dean feel better and without even knowing why.
When they made love that night Dean tried to hold back the tears.
That weekend when Sam and Jess had come over, Dean pulled Sam into the office and told him what was going on. The confused face Sam wore would’ve made Dean laugh in any other circumstance, but right now he needed his brothers help.
A dumbfounded Sam made Dean backtrack and go over everything with him again. When Sam started running his big hand through his mop of hair while pacing, Dean had an inkling that there wasn’t much Sam was going to actually be able to help him with.
Sam didn’t say anything for a long time but when he broke the silence with a strangled “You have to tell Cas”, Dean knew he was done for.
What he didn’t know at the time, was that Cas had walked in at that same moment with a carefree smile on his face and made his presence known with a “Have to tell Cas what?”. Cas’s smile had instantly fallen when he saw the somber expressions of the Winchester brothers.
Sam left with Jess and Dean told the love of his life what happened. He had sworn he didn’t even remember going back with Lisa or sleeping with her, but all the evidence was there and he really couldn’t deny it anymore. Cas hadn’t yelled or cried or done much of anything but sit there stoically with his hands clenched in fists in his lap.
That was the first night they had ever gone to bed angry or fighting with each other. Dean had slept on the couch.
Cas showed no emotion to him the following week when Dean was to be tested to see if Ben was his son. He almost wished that Cas would yell or scream at him so he would know what he had been thinking or where he was at. But that never came. Cas stood by Dean all the way through knowing that Dean was having a hard time with all of it. Selfless bastard.
Amazing selfless bastard.
Dean was not the father. Again, if this was a different situation he would have made some lame Jerry Springer or Maury joke and left it at that to go home and have a beer. Lisa looked broken hearted while Dean said goodbye to the toddler that was almost his. Cas held his hand out of the office and down to the Impala when they parted ways with Lisa and Ben.
When they got home, Cas asked him to leave.
That was two weeks ago.
And five days ago, Dean found out that Cas was going to New York with his friend Balthazar. Dean hated that dip shit because he knew he had liked Cas at one point and probably still did, but outside of their mutual friends, Balthazar was the closest friend that Cas had and Dean would have never denied him any of that.
Cas and Balthazar. New York.
Dean knew Balthazar would put a move on Cas if he hadn’t already. And Cas was probably still too upset and confused to resist or stop him, and Dean didn’t know if he would want Cas to. This was all Dean’s fault and Cas deserved so much better than Dean could ever give him.
Dean had re-lived everything over and over again in his mind constantly. The alcohol and drugs were the only things that had helped him forget momentarily. And now he was on the bathroom floor of some hotel with a picture of Cas clutched in his palm, held against his heart, as he cried.
The sobs continued to wrack his body as he pulled out his phone to power it on. He needed someone else, not just another warm body in a bed next to him, he needed family. Sam was the logical choice but instead, Dean decided to call Charlie.
The phone rang four times before Dean realized it was almost 4 a.m. and he was doing no one any favors by calling this time of the night. He almost hung up when he heard a click and a worried Charlie say “Dean”.
A monsoon of feelings of anger and guilt crushed him again as he cried into the phone while Charlie made little cooing and hushing sounds to try to calm him down. Streaked with tears, he rested his face against the tub where the cool porcelain soothed his ruddy cheeks as he tried to calm himself down. Charlie asked him to come back home at some point during his heaving. Didn’t she know he didn’t have a home anymore? His home was with Cas. Cas would never take him back after this. How could he?
In between hiccups Dean told Charlie he would leave after he got some sleep. Charlie promised him a couch to sleep on and a shoulder to cry on.
When he hung up with Charlie, Dean dropped his phone into his duffel, stood up and splashed water on his face. After, he opened the bathroom door to go back out into the room and realized he would have to sleep next to this stranger. This dark haired blue eyed stranger that could never even hold a flame to who Dean really needed and craved with his whole being.
His world had grown so dark.
With all of his clothes still on, Dean climbed into bed next to Maria. Dean took one last look at his picture of Cas and rubbed it softly putting it back in his wallet. He couldn’t tarnish the memory of Cas any more than he had, and look at him while lying next to her.
***
What Dean hadn’t heard were the soft vibrations of his phone in his bag with an incoming call from Cas.