Chapter Text
7th December
I snuggled closer into a warm blanket and slowly breathed out. I could see snow out of a window and dim lights of Christmas decorations on near houses and flats. Everything is more extravagant near the centre of Tokyo. When I’d lived with my parents, everything had been gloomier and stricter as if it had mattered that other neighbours hadn’t had any lights on their houses – we couldn’t have had them too.
But then I’d bought a flat with Chris together, so I could’ve decorated it. I could’ve bought lights and fancy small Santa or small dwarfs. Chris wouldn’t mind, but I hadn’t bought any. Why would I, when it didn’t really matter? No Chris, no Christmas lights.
I sighed. I’d never thought I would feel so lonely living with Chris.
The TV show took back my attention: ‘Christmas baseball special!’ cheered the presenter. ‘Our national team this season gained some good score, that’s for sure! We have–’
My mind refused to listen further. I glanced back at the window silently watching as a coldness was eating the glass from the other side and was leaving a soft rime behind. I could feel as my heart clenched seeing the rime and identifying with it. I snorted. What a poetic mind I have when I am distressed and hurt.
‘Shall we get back in time for a while? As for Junior Baseball Tournament of high school’s tournaments, that truly was something. I’ve personally never seen so many twist in the November’s Games–’
Through the room spread a comforting silence as I finally moved my butt and turned the TV off. I didn’t want to remember my high school days that evening and baseball generally wasn’t helping. I searched around our sofa for my mobile phone cursing silently as I couldn’t find it. That meant I had to stand up and looked under the blanket.
I cursed aloud once I did so, chilly air filling the room bit my bare arms and coolness from the floor ate my feet.
I’d only then noticed it was already past 23:00 (9:00 am EST) that meant he was already out for baseball training or morning lessons and completely out of reach. If I had disturbed his lesson it would’ve be bad, and if he was working out he wouldn’t pick up anyway. I was blankly looking at the screen considering pluses and minuses; he wouldn’t be mad with me (I was 98% sure).
Delaying his number, I’d waited to get into his voice mail. I listened to his soft quiet voice. I was silence the whole time. When the phone peeped for me to speak up, I’d shut it down. Still wrapped up in the blanket I stood up to shuffled to the bathroom, showered myself and got to the bloody bed.
I felt numb.
8th December
My cold fingers clenched around my mobile device, I should have taken gloves with me. I had gotten to the university hall two hours ago and I still felt cold. It was biting my fingers and tiptoes. Taking snickers wasn’t the best idea, neither was leaving hat on the wardrobe in the hallway. My look was fixated on the black screen again.
No, I wasn’t waiting for a call. Why would I expect my boyfriend to call me? No. I definitely wasn’t waiting for his call. I wasn’t expecting him to call me, I wasn’t.
I’d cursed and slammed the mobile phone onto a desk earning awkward looks from strangers in the class.
Of course I was expecting him to call me right after he had gotten back to his flat or after finishing baseball training, lesson or whatever he had been up to. He hadn’t. He hadn’t called me at all and it was already close to the midday so he in bloody America was probably already asleep!
After a whole minute, I found myself checking my mobile again for any messages or a missed call, but there was nothing. Of course there was bloody nothing! I sighed heavily, he hadn’t called for how long? For about three weeks? Wasn’t it more?
He probably had a hard day (I mean days, these past weeks), he must have felt too tired to call me back or to write a single short message. He probably had forgotten. Yeah, he had been so busy, that he had forgotten to write me back once he had been done with everything.
I looked at the mobile again, there wasn’t anything new. My eyes glanced up to look at a board. The board was white, empty and clean. I was trying to find a single distraction on the painfully clean board. It was sickeningly white and completely empty.
I squeezed my eyes shut. For a while then I was trying hard to find out what I’d felt. I wasn’t angry or mad, even upset was a strong word to describe the feeling–
There was nothing, I was empty the same way the board was, as if my feelings left me for America as he had.
I rubbed my forehead. I wasn’t tired.
A long sigh left my lips as my head turned to look at the mobile again. I scolded myself and hid the devil device into my bag.
Was he avoiding me? No. He would have told me not to bother him, he’d have told me we broke up, and he’d have told me if something was wrong, for sure! He didn’t tell me anything, which must have meant everything was fine. I was just exaggerating, nothing more, nothing less.
‘Yeah.’
My eyes watered. I wasn’t tired. I truly was not.
When my lessons ended I had a part time job. Even though I didn’t felt good enough to smile at strangers in the café, I did and was priced afterwards. ‘Your positive mood lit up whole place, good job.’ I left it without any comments, they would’ve been futile. Once I got to the lockers I’d checked my mobile phone to find a message.
It was from Takako.
She was inviting me for a Christmas party on 19th December. I checked my empty diary, I had a free Saturday, as always. Feeling a bit better I went home, had a diner, showered myself and studied for few hours. No new messages came, no calls, no signs of him at all. Once again, close to the midnight, I got to the bed and slept on his side, it didn’t smell like him anymore.
10th December
Every Thursday I had a lunch with Kusunoki. The tall brunet with wavy locks and deep brown eyes was studying in the same university but in the different faculty so only sometimes I could have lunch with my dear friend from the junior high and generally with someone from Seidou High. He was as funny and as talkative as always. But even Kusunoki had to ask how Chris was doing.
He changed the topic right after.
I didn’t want to talk about it. I couldn’t really talk about it, because I didn’t know. I didn’t want to remember that he hadn’t written me or called me for about month. I didn’t want to feel so helpless and it was so close to his return too.
Was he even coming back? He was there for a year; he might have found a place where he wanted to stay, found a new love, better, more understanding love, more caring… Wasn’t month enough? Enough of this feelings and torture?
I looked out of the window. Trees were covered by snow, they were bending thanks to its weight. Everything was freezing and cold. I felt as my chest tightened, I couldn’t warm up even in the cafeteria.
My mobile started buzzing in my pocket. My eyes immediately widened seeing the number on the screen. Kusunoki smiled kindly and told me that in the back alley were rarely anyone. Once I got to the small park next to the campus, to where I almost run, I accepted the call.
‘Hi.’ His voice cracked on the other side, he must have been tired.
‘Hey.’ I greeted my voice stuttered a little. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Yeah.’ Chris paused for a long time, only his steady breathing could be heard. I tried to imagine his strong shoulders and kind smile, his light brown locks, dark brown orbs, his sharp jawline and lovely thin nose with kissable lips. Maybe he was sitting on the chair behind a desk or on the sofa in his apartment, if it had any. Or he might have sat on the bed and called me right before he got to the bed. ‘What about you? Few days ago, you’ve called me.’ He paused now only for a while. ‘Sorry that I haven’t called back earlier.’
‘I am as fine as I can be.’ I smiled to myself. ‘I was worried when you didn’t call or text me… a short text is enough, you know.’
‘Sorry.’ Chris’s voice was as quite as I could’ve remembered and as warm as I’d loved. I heard as he closed a book or papers with materials for university studies. I could only wonder and imagine. He got up from whenever he was sited and moved around his flat, I could tell from the rustle on the other side and the rhythm of his footsteps.
‘How’s your days later?’
‘Busy.’ I could hear a smile in his voice and it widened my own. ‘I’ve just finished project for tomorrow class. In the morning I am heading out only for a run, practice was moved to the afternoon.’ My heart jumped up with a joy. He was talking to me just normally, about normal stuffs and especially about himself. There wasn’t anything wrong. ‘Today I hanged out with other boys from the team, so I came home late. You just had a lunch, right?’
‘Yeah I am having a lunch with Fumiya, it’s Thursday already here.’ Rustling on the other side increased and if I hadn’t known Chris for so long I’d have sworn that he cursed. ‘Yuu, should I hang up? It seems like you are fighting with something on the other side.’
I silently pleaded that he wouldn’t tell me to do so. I didn’t want to hang up.
‘It’s just–’ Long wham echoed in my ear and I jumped up from the bench alarmed by the sudden sound. In a next millisecond I heard his upset voice again: ‘Sorry, only the mobile fell to the ground.’ I heard another rustling on his side, but this time it was stronger.
‘Are you … dressing up?’
‘Yeah, wait.’ He put down the mobile on the desk or on the bed. I heard the familiar rustling and after a while his breath again, I imagined its warm. ‘I showered not long ago and hadn’t dressed till now.’ My face flushed as my imagination started working precisely, breath caught in my throat. ‘Are you still there?’
‘Y-yeah.’ My voice was low and my blush spread. Stupid thoughts, I cursed.
‘Is something wrong?’
‘No.’ My voice betrayed me yet again and I cursed myself internally.
‘What is it?’ Rustling on the other side stopped with a heavy thud. Chris must have laid on the bed. His steady breathing calmed me a bit.
It wasn’t something I should’ve been embarrassed about anyway. We hadn’t seen each other for half a year and in the summer only for two weeks, so more accurate statement would be that we hadn’t seen each other for a year (because damn two weeks wasn’t long enough for another six months).
‘How would you react, if I told you that I had a shower not long ago and walked around our flat only in a towel? Even the fact, that you are already dressed doesn’t help.’
I heard as his breath wavered and he turned on the bed to face the wall. I was very positive that he’d faced the wall, because in our flat between the wall and him slept I (and he always had faced the wall even when I slept on the other side). ‘That wouldn’t be good.’ Again I could’ve heard a smile in his voice. ‘But you’ve just told me that, you know?’ He finished simply and I blushed harder.
‘Serves your right!’ I muttered and Chris chuckled lightly, it was lower than usually. His breathing steadied and I imagined as his muscles loosen. He must have been falling to sleep. I’d remembered how his golden eyes had closed so many nights, his lips tugged to the small sweet smile that had remained thru his slumber and his arm circled around my waist had brought me closer to his warm chest. I shook my head. ‘Good night, Yuu.’
I waited a while but as I didn’t see any answer coming I hanged up with a casual: ‘I love you.’
It wasn’t that casual meaning as a confession I love you, but the one with more subtext, the one which almost always bought a tears to my eyes, because I’d never gotten used to telling it or especially hearing it.
The I love you similar to the one which Chris had been telling me from time to time.
I looked at the mobile, it was close to 14:00 pm, his midnight. I typed a text about the Christmas party with others from Seidou High but saved it for later; ‘Takako invited us to the Christmas party, do you know when you’ll come back?’ I shouldn’t have woken him up just for that.
I held the devil device close to my chest smiling like an idiot.
17th December
I hadn’t bothered to check my mobile phone anymore. I’d called him twice thru that week, keeping in mind that he must’ve been busy. Every single time I’d gotten into the voice mail. The few messages I’d send were left unnoticed. I didn’t want to look pushy, needy, clingy as a normal and sensible adult shouldn’t look. But the fact, that someone for who I’d cared so much, hadn’t been answering my calls and had been on the other side of the bloody world, was rather distressing. And he was supposed to come back for Christmas, yet I didn’t know about it?
My mobile started to buzz and my fast movements caused Kusunoki to grin. My eyes immediately saddened seeing the number of incoming call. Kusunoki raised a brow amused by the display. I hadn’t told anyone about my no-communication-at-all with my significant other, and about effects which it had on me.
‘Hey Ryosuke, what’s up?’
Kominato snickered, I could easily imagine how his thin lips pulled into a wide grin. ‘Disappointed that I am not a certain handsome catcher, aren’t we?’
I smirked. ‘I don’t remember a single time when I was awaiting Miyuki’s call more than yours, Ryo.’
I could imagine his wicked grin. ‘You know very well, who I meant by the handsome catcher, dear. You know, the one who has a light brown hair, brownish eyes, handsome smile and tender lips.’ He was mimicking my voice and a tone, which I had used while speaking about Chris. I blushed at his comments, yeah, I could remember telling him all of that. ‘His arms are so strong and their feels so secure around my waist, his lips pressed–’
‘Okay, okay! I surrender!’ I laughed and he snickered. ‘Yeah, I was expecting a call from Chris.’
There was a silence on the other side. I glanced over to Kusunoki to found an upset grimace on his face. I raised a brow, but he got back to eating his sandwich. Had Kusonuki avoided my gaze? ‘Chris? You two had a fight?’ Kominato asked warily. I pursed lips together. ‘Okay, we’ll talk about that later. I wanted to ask if you are coming to the party tomorrow, because I am really looking forward to seeing you after so long.’
I raised an eyebrow at his laid stress on the I. ‘That’s sweet, Ryosuke. Yeah, I am coming.’
‘Jun, she is coming,’ he shouted bit away from the mobile phone. Ryosuke snickered at my pause and probably at his auburn-haired friend’s expression.
‘That’s mean!’ I playfully pouted as if he could see me. Ryosuke chuckled and my grin widened.
‘Jun is saying hi too.’
I heard some rustling then a thumb and a snort from Ryosuke. ‘We were just wondering if our hardworking friend is willing to spear some of her time for her dear friends!’ laughed Jun and there was another rustling sound. ‘Is Kusunoki with you?’
‘Yeah Fumiya is sitting across from me, why?’
‘That’s good. I am just making sure, if he didn’t leave you alone for a lunch.’ I had imagined Jun’s hand akimbo, his legs spread and standing as tall as he could as he victoriously had taken a mobile phone from his shorter friend. But considering Ryo’s nature, Ryo most likely let him took it.
‘Oh! He wouldn’t dare.’ Kusunoki raised a brow. ‘Thursday are only ours and from time to time he takes his lovely girlfriend, but he never let me alone on Thursdays!’ I grinned at Kusunoki who smiled back and gave me a thumb up.
‘Good, good!’ Jun chuckled. ‘Then we’ll see each other tomorrow! Take care! Ryo, do you want to say your goodbye personally?’
I’d heard him muttered something along line: We’ll see each other tomorrow anyway, but give it to me– ‘See you tomorrow, dear, and take a good care of yourself.’
‘You too, Ryo. See ya.’ I hanged up.
I had a lunch with Kusunoki chatting about everything and nothing. But my thoughts weren’t that clear. I was wondering why they hadn’t asked about Chris, if he was coming or not, about his well-being and these stuffs. I frowned and sent Chris another text not bothering with the fact that it was past his midnight.
No reply would come back anyway.
19th December
I was heading to the party along with Kusunoki and Masuko with who I’d met on the bus stop. Masuko was just same as in the high school; huge and sturdy (though there was some extra weight around his stomach), with very short dark brown hair and kind small eyes. Though there was a hint of beard above his upper lip.
And I, with all my rudeness, wasn’t paying any attention to them replaying the text, which I got earlier in the morning: I am alright, just busier than normally. That was all what it contained. My questions of his wellbeing were answered, the others of his arrival, Christmas party and Christmas overall were ignored. That meant he had answered only one of my questions, right?
My chest was aching and twisting again.
Trying to clear my thoughts, I caught up with Kusunoki’s conversation about his baseball weekends. His university didn’t have any team, so he tagged along with people from his neighbourhood. I smiled to myself when Masuko added comments about his baseball team. They all kept baseball close to their hearts. I snuggled into my scarf and sniffed, the cold was literally eating me alive.
‘Finally! Don’t tell me all of you got lost?’ laughed Jun as he came to greet all of us after Kusunoki had rang for good one minute straight. I rolled my eyes as his childish side was screaming for attention.
Takako was at Jun’s side and fast to embrace me tightly: ‘Good to see you.’ Her raven hair was as straight as ever and her thin face with blue eyes were giving me her biggest smile, I squeezed her back.
‘Good to see you too!’
Everyone was already there and it was really a gorgeous sight; seeing all former third years, not only from baseball team, hang along. I’d greeted my old friends and did plenty of formal speeches about their studies or jobs, tactfully avoiding a topic about partners and lovers.
But from the start I was heading to the baseball circle. Once I’d joined a small man with light hair smirked at me, even his constantly narrowed eyes were smirking. I smiled fondly and resist the urge to embrace him. I truly missed him that much, well, he wouldn’t have minded.
‘As beautiful as always,’ his smirk widened as he stood next to me.
‘I don’t have a death wish, so I’ll leave it without a counterattack.’ Because nobody wants to tell Ryo as short as always.
He raised an eyebrow, then chuckled. ‘Good choice, dear.’ We were watching as Yuki, the former captain of the baseball team, pointed at Masuko’s stomach with a rude but fitting remark. Everyone chuckled. ‘So, what’s up with Chris? He is coming back for Christmas, right? I would expect you to be happy, overexcited, maybe worried about the flight in the winter weather.’
‘What a great topic to start a conversation.’ I uttered and the helplessness in my voice got me a puzzled look from my caring friend. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know when he is coming back. I don’t know if he is even coming. Last time we spoke he fell asleep, can’t blame him though, but it was a week ago and he hasn’t replied to my texts or calls, never even called back. Before the week, I spoke to him month ago. So yeah, I don’t know.’
‘Don’t know what to say to this.’ Ryosuke told me sincerely. ‘But Chris –’
‘If it’s not Chris’s woman!’ Both of us looked around to see a very tall, with very short dark hair and thin face and also very drunk man. Tanba joined our small circle of two and my displeasure instantly raised. ‘Are you looking forward to his arrival?’ I sighed and glanced at Ryo who just shrugged and gave Tanba a peculiar look. ‘Well it’s already less than a week!’ My brows shot up instantly. ‘Chris is so busy lately that he is even grumpy when I speak to him through phone.’
‘Don’t have to tell me that, Tanba.’ I shoved him playfully to the side. ‘So are you going to join me on the airport? What was the date? The alcohol is making me bit forgetful.’ Ryosuke chuckled at that and smirked. It wasn’t very fitting, I knew, but Ryo loved that (rude) part of me anyway. What was more amusing was, he knew that I hadn’t drank anything that night.
‘I think it was on Wednesday? Or maybe on Thursday? I am not very sure.’ I hummed in agreement, my anger slowly boiling. ‘Man! He is so busy, when I asked about the party – if he’s coming – he told me that he will arrive on Thursday, honestly now I don’t even think he’ll make it. You know, he is worrying about the weather. Haha! They are training in the winter also, in the university gym! His arm is well; he was kinda happy–’
I playfully shoved him again and smiled at him, the false façade visible only for Ryo. ‘Could you lend me your phone, please? I am afraid I forget mine at home and I wanted to check on Chris.’ Ryo frowned but let me do as I pleased.
Tanba shrugged and gave me his phone. I didn’t pay any attention to the quantum of Tanba’s tries and his actual calls to Chris, they meant nothing. I’d immediately dialled him and got out of the flat to the hall. I went down the stairs and further away from the building. I was silently praying that he wouldn’t pick up, that he would ignore Tanba as he had ignored–
Crack echoed as he answered and my eyes shut tight.
‘What do you want, Tanba?’ His voice was tired and I’d noticed something completely new, he was angered and annoyed. He was distressed, yet he had answered. My chest tightened and tears formed at the corners of my eyes.
‘Hey,’ I greeted, my voice held an anger with the unshed tears. ‘So now when I want to call you or hear some news I need to get your friend’s phone or directly ask them, ha-ha, that would be probably faster, right?’
‘I –’
‘Don’t even try to be sorry! Last month you were clearly avoiding me and now I must ask myself why? You are keeping in contact with your friend, but are too busy to write someone as unimportant as your girlfriend?! I want to think that you aren’t seeing anyone. I want to think that I am important to you. I want to think that I am needed. But I am being a nuisance, right? The fucking messages in which I was worrying about your wellbeing–’ I stopped to sniffle. I rubbed my teary eyes but the salted water started flowing as the snowflakes fell from the clouded sky. I’d never hated snow so much as in that day.
‘Please, don’t cry –’ His voice was weak and small, he had never made me cry and it probably hurt him.
My breath was hectic as I tried to suppress the tears and all the frustration. Chris could have imagined that, I was sure of it. He could’ve imagined how I looked, how I trembled, weakly, vulnerably, shattered. He had seen me like that, but it never had been because of him.
‘How can I? Tell me one bloody reason why shouldn’t I cry now! I didn’t know if you were coming back for the Christmas – yeah, that was the plan, but if you were that busy–! I’ve only heard from Tanba that you were coming, that you are grumpy when he calls, that you are training in gym now, that you are alright.‘
‘Tanba kept –’ Chris’s breath caught in his throat.
‘How cannot I cry knowing that your friend was so important to call him, to text him… why not me? Why did I have to beg you for replies but you haven’t answered anyway? I felt so stupid for begging. And I was worried for what? Why even? You don’t need me, you never did, right?’ My voice was no longer a shout of despair, it was weak, broken and it surprised me even. I didn’t know any more if I meant those words or if it was the outburst. ‘Why haven’t you called back? Or just texted me? Am I just nuisance? You don’t love me anymore? Did you find yourself someone better? Are you happy and well? Are you eating regularly? Damn it, you didn’t hear that. I don’t care! I shouldn’t care.’
My sobbing increased as my chest trembled heavily. ‘Yuu, say something.’ I begged him softly, I needed to hear his voice. I could’ve barely heard his breathing. His breathing was quiet, not steady. As if he was gasping for air, silently.
He took a deep breath and licked his lips, I could tell. ‘I miss you.’
‘Not lies,’ I cried out painfully and rubbed my eyes with a greater force as more tears started to fell down my cold cheeks. My fingers were freezing, but I hadn’t noticed, because my chest was taking my whole attention. It was harder and harder to breath.
I loved him.
‘I want to embrace you,’ his voice wavered.
‘Stop,’ I sobbed and squatted down, my cold arms hugged my knees closer to my trembling chest.
He was silent for a while. ‘I am going to be in the Tokyo at 21:45, I still hadn’t decided if I am going to arrive on Tuesday or Wednesday. Wednesday is more likely.’ He said tiredly, his voice was full of anguish, helplessness.
I knew him too well; his voice was like an invitation to his very soul. He was sorry, he didn’t want to let go. Why was I hurting him anyway? No. No! NO! I didn’t want to pity him, I didn’t want to understand him, I didn’t want to know what he was thinking and feeling. Not then, not right after the outbreak.
‘You don’t have to tell me all those things. It’s pointless. I hate you.’ I blubbered weakly still sobbing like a small child. My heart clenched and twisted, it hurt. I still loved him. Could even person stop loving another in an instant? No. I would love him for a long time, then it might pass, but he had all of me that time.
‘I love you.’
I hanged up. The knowing, that I loved him too was unbearable.