Robyn RPF Fanfiction: by T-Rex
“The Grody Yellow Ribbon”
Guys, I’m about to tell you the very first Robyn story ever recorded. Except not really, since no one knows it, and I totally just made this story up. Anyhow. When Robyn was a little girl, she had a friend named Mary. Which, Dromiceiomimus, before you say it, doesn’t make much sense, since Mary wasn’t a very popular name after the 1960s, and Robyn is totally a real person who totally lives right now, except if you knew that Robyn lived in a really Catholic neighborhood where some people still name their daughters Mary. Anyhow, Mary always wore this yellow ribbon around her neck. And on the first day they met, some boy named Billy was teasing Mary about her yellow ribbon, being all “Hey Mary, why do you wear that yellow ribbon on your neck?” and Mary was all, “Oh I must never take off my yellow ribbon, Billy.” And before you ask, yes, his name was Billy. It just was. Okay. Anyhow, Robyn pushed Billy into a mud puddle and told him not to make fun of people for what they wear. And then she and Mary became best friends. But you know what guys? Mary wasn’t kidding! She totally never took off that yellow ribbon. They’d like, go to the beach or to the pool or um, other water related activities where a yellow ribbon might get awkward if you don’t remove it like, um, water skiing and scuba diving, since I guess they lived somewhere tropical, but Mary never took off that ribbon. But Robyn didn’t pester her because she was a cool friend and cool friends don’t do things like ask their friends why they’re still wearing the same now kinda grody yellow ribbon they were wearing on the first day of kindergarten even though they’re now in high school.
However, just because she’s an awesomely amazing good friend who would never try to make her friend feel bad or embarrassed about her textophilia (which means love of certain fabrics: it’s a word guys, look it up!!!) doesn’t mean that she wasn’t doing quiet research type things to make sure that there wasn’t something horribly wrong with Mary. Because guys, that’s just how Robyn is! She has your back! And she’s no dummy so she basically just asked Mary’s Mom about the ribbon. Her mother opened her mouth and Robyn was all, “yeah yeah yeah, I know I know, ominous voice Mary must never take off her yellow ribbon, right right, but why?” And her mother was all, “Oh, because if she does her head will fall off.” And Robyn was all, “That’s a pretty messed up medical condition, Mary’s Mom.” And Mary’s Mom was all, “I know, that’s why Mary must never take off her yellow ribbon.” “Right,” said Robyn, “But there has to be a better way.”
So the next day Robyn and Mary and Mary’s Mom all went to a doctor and he took a CT scan and an MRI of Mary’s neck, and was all, yeah, your yellow ribbon seems to be rather unsanitarily holding the top of your neck to the bottom of your neck. Basically everything inside you is severed other than your spinal cord, which you need for living, and your esophagus, which you need for breathing and swallowing and vomiting. This is not a safe way for you to continue living, especially if you insist on all that water skiing and scuba diving. I’m getting you into surgery RIGHT NOW. And so Mary had surgery which completely attached her head to her body, but by then she was so in love with wearing that yellow ribbon that she bought a new, less grody one, and tied it around her neck. (Not to mention it covered a rather wicked looking scar on her neck.) But that silly boy Billy (remember him from the beginning of the story??), when one day he stopped teasing her and Robyn stopped pushing him into mud puddles, and he then married Mary, which has a nice alliterative quality to it. And one night after they’d had a few kids and it drove him nuts that she never took off the yellow ribbon and never stopped saying that ominous phrase (because guys it totally freaked him out when she said it and it was too funny to stop doing) Billy untied the yellow ribbon and nothing happened. I mean, he saw her scar, but her head didn’t like fall off or anything.
But the story doesn’t end there. No! Robyn was only pretending to be asleep and so she told him that he clearly had boundary issues and consent issues, since she told him to never take off the ribbon, and being asleep is not consent for him to do things to her that she says not to when she is awake, even though they’re married and even though removing a ribbon isn’t a sexy kind of thing, it’s still a violation of consent, and she can’t trust him any more, so they then went through a really contentious divorce, but Robyn was a really good friend to Mary and really held her hand through the whole thing because that’s what best friends do. And one day, while coming out of court after it had just rained, Robyn pushed Billy into one final mud puddle. BECAUSE THAT’S THE KIND OF FRIEND SHE IS. The end.
Robyn Fanfiction (not RPF, since she is not actually real): by Utahraptor
“The Hook Handed Man Whose Real Name is John Davis but Having a Name Doesn't Make Him Any Less Dangerous”
When Robyn was in high school, she went on a date with a boy she knew. They had a nice dinner at a local diner, and then headed out to the area known as Lover’s Lane, because apparently they lived in a town from a story, and not in a real town at all that doesn’t have a place called Lover’s Lane, unless maybe it’s a sex store with that name.
They were listening to the radio for music, which does make sense because if Robyn were a grownup now, she would have been a teenager before MP3 players, Satellite Radio, or even CD players in most cars, so people actually did listen to the radio for mood music when making out in cars back then, even though you risk unromantic commercials or news headlines coming on during pivotal awkward moments.
Well that was just what happened. The DJ’s voice announced that the mental hospital had just had a criminally insane mass murderer escape. And the mental hospital wasn’t very far from Lover’s Lane. So people should keep their eyes open for a man with a hook for a hand and call the police if they see him. (I guess the idea is if he doesn’t kill them first.) Which is not to imply that mass murderers who are put in the right medical care and under the right medication can’t get their murdering under control. Or to stigmatize the mentally ill as being murders. Which was something Robyn was commenting on, much to the dismay of the boy, who wanted to take all her clothes off. Robyn didn’t think that they should drive off because she was scared. But she also just wasn’t really in the mood any more, now that her brain was focused on the poor treatment of the mentally ill in this country, though at least she lived in a community that maintained a reasonably well funded facility, rather than allowing those who needed a safe place to be homeless and unmedicated. Though perhaps they needed a little bit more funding, in the way of security, as they just let a mass murderer escape.
Anyhow, Robyn talked her date into taking her home, so she could work on an idea for a story for the school newspaper about the state of the mental health treatment in this country, and the boy reluctantly took her home, since he really thought that they were going to have some, um, heterosexual style sexual activity, and now he knew he wasn’t going to, since Robyn had retreated into her head, and wasn’t interested in her body right then. So he drove her home, and when she opened her door...she found a hook with a bloody end that would have attached to it at the end!
Robyn insisted that they go back and find the poor man who not only was missing his crude approximation of a hand (that a better mental health system would have provided a modern version of, rather than something straight out of Peter Pan, which was a line she wanted to write in her essay), but he was probably injured from when the hook had ripped off of his stump.
Well the boy thought she was crazy, and went home, but Robyn grabbed her family car and drove back to the spot they had been, with the hook hand ready to give back to the man. When she got to the spot, she got out of the car, and called out “John Davis? John Davis, I’m so sorry that we ripped our hook away with our car door handle. Please come. Maybe i can help!” (John Davis was the hook handed man’s name according to the report, but that wasn’t an important detail to tell you earlier in the story so I left it out.)
And John Davis, AKA the hook handed man came out from behind a tree and murdered Robyn. Because even though she thought she was being really well meaning, it was really dumb to go help a mass murderer get his hook hand back. The end.
T-REX: Utahraptor! You can’t kill Robyn in your fanfiction. She and I had lunch last week.
Utahraptor: What day?
Utahraptor: We had lunch on Tuesday.
T-REX: I had two lunches that day.
Utahraptor: You had lunch with someone else after you had lunch with me?
T-Rex: I...um...ROBYN IS REAL, GUYS!
Utahraptor: It’s fanfiction. I can do character death if I want.
T-REX: Well...it’s rude.
Utahraptor: Too late. I already wrote it. And it’s fanfiction. It’s not like I’m going to rewrite it.
A Robyn Story: by Dromiceiomimus
“The Dead Woman Who Made a Valid Choice in a Profession Under the Mattress”
Once upon a time there was a girl named Robyn, who was not a real person that T-Rex knows and sometimes talks about to make it seem like he talks to girls other than me to try to make me jealous, but just a person in this story I am telling you.
Anyhow, one day Robyn was on vacation with a male who was not T-Rex because Robyn’s super cool and she’s had lots of boyfriends. Well not lots. Just the right number. Whatever that number is according to you. She’s had that number of boyfriends. The number you’re thinking of.
She and that male got a hotel room, but the moment they entered it, they smelled something bad. Well Robyn did. The male in question had some nasal congestion and didn’t smell anything. But she didn’t judge him for his nasal congestion. Some people have congested noses and that’s no reason to find them any less appealing, personally or sexually, than any other sort of person.
Anyhow, Robyn went to the front desk to politely state her complaint, of course attempting to not make the woman working at the desk feel like she was being blamed for the issue, but making it clear that while it was an issue that needed to be addressed, most likely no one was directly to blame. But the woman who worked at the desk had just earlier that day thrown a birthday party at her house for her 6 year old and all of the 6 year old’s classmates, since they were the sort of family that didn’t exclude, even inviting that weird kid who picked his nose and then ate it. Anyhow, she was quite tired from the party earlier, which explains why she was so rude to Robyn, telling her that she would just have to deal with it.
Now, Robyn understood that working mothers were sometimes harassed from having to work what amounted to a second shift, but she really did need this smell addressed. So when she got back to the room, she and her male companion started looking for the source of the smell. They took an equal part in pushing and lifting of furniture, since their genders had no affect on their respective upper body strengths. Finally, the realized that the smell must be coming from under the mattress. So they equally lifted each side of the mattress...and under there...they found a dead body!
Robyn’s male companion screamed, with no shame as to how his reaction would reflect upon his perceived masculinity by Robyn, who liked him for who he was, and had no falsely constructed gender expectations of how he would behave in any situation. Robyn, who I forgot to mention, had used the money she made with her photography business to get her PhD in forensic science, proceeded to do a cursory examination of the body while her male companion phoned the local authorities without disturbing the body as to protect the chain of evidence. She surmised that the deceased woman must have been a prostitute, which Robyn knew is just as valid a career option as any other, provided that the woman wasn’t forced into it and enjoyed her work. Which is not to downplay the obvious risks of the profession, which is obvious looking at the woman’s dead body. But it’s really the system at fault, since illegality breeds illegality.
Robyn determined time of death to be approximately 2 weeks earlier, implying that other people with less sensitive nasal passages might have slept upon the mattress above the deceased woman. Which, at a certain level, is frightening, since humans fear death so much, and at another level is unsanitary, since decaying bodies aren’t ideal bedmates. But at another deeper level, isn’t everything made of dead bodies, in one way or another? So it’s really quite natural, at that level.
She also saw that there was hair and fiber on the woman’s clothing, skin under her nails, and a used condom next to the woman, so it appeared that there ought to be some usable DNA evidence to find the woman’s killer or killers, assuming that the condom wasn’t left there by some other person who just happened to be lazy with their own housekeeping efforts while having a hotel tryst. (Which, if you don’t forget, was what Robyn was trying to do, until this whole dead body thing ruined her fun.)
When the local authorities got there, Robyn showed her credentials, and they allowed her to consult on the case. They ran all the DNA, and found out that it was a local politician, who was promptly arrested. Robyn was called in to testify on the case, and when he went to jail for the murder, the hotel was so grateful that they offered Robyn and her new male companion (it hadn’t worked out between Robyn and the other male companion in the interim: sometimes things don’t work out between two people and it’s nobody’s fault) a chance to stay at any of their hotels across the country for an entire week, no charge. They chose Hawaii, and had a lovely week there, with no dead bodies at all. Because even though Robyn is a forensic scientist, she doesn’t just stumble upon dead bodies no matter where she goes, since she’s not on a television show. The end.
Robyn Fanfiction: by God
"I DID NOT INVENT STOMACH ACID THRIVING BUGS OF ANY KIND SO STOP ASKING."
ONE TIME T-REX DRANK A FEW SACS OF SPIDERS EGGS. THEY WERE RED AND IN HIS DRINK AND HE DIDN’T NOTICE UNTIL THE LAST ONE WAS IN HIS CUP AND THERE WERE SOME IN HIS TEETH. SO HE WENT TO HIS GOOD FRIEND ROBYN AND TOLD HER THAT THE SPIDERS EGGS WOULD SOON HATCH BECAUSE THEY THRIVED ON STOMACH ACID AND HE WOULD VOMIT TINY RED SPIDERS AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL THE REST OF THEM TUNNELED OUT THROUGH HIS STOMACH, MUSCLES, AND SKIN.
ROBYN SAID, “THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE T-REX. FIRST OFF, THERE AREN’T THAT KIND OF STOMACH ACID THRIVING SPIDERS ON THIS PLANET. NOT THAT WE KNOW ABOUT. SECOND, ONCE YOU VOIDED YOUR STOMACH OF THE SPIDERS THAT WERE BORN, MOST LIKELY THEY WOULD NOT CONTINUE TO EAT THEIR WAY OUT OF YOU, SINCE THESE ARE SPIDERS NOT TERMITES. IF YOU HAD EATEN A SAC OF TERMITES MAYBE THIS WOULD BE A WORRY”
SO T-REX SAID “I DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN STOMACH ACID THRIVING SPIDER EGGS AND TERMITE EGGS. MAYBE I ATE TERMITE EGGS.”
AND ROBYN SAID, “T-REX, WHEN DID YOU SWALLOW THESE EGGS?”
AND T-REX SAID, “FIVE DAYS AGO. I MEANT TO TELL YOU EARLIER, BUT YOU’VE BEEN REALLY BUSY WITH YOUR HORROR PHOTOGRAPHY BUSINESS THIS WEEK.”
AND ROBYN SAID “T-REX, IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED BY NOW IF IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. YOU’RE PROBABLY FINE.”
THEN GOD SAID “T-REX, HAVE YOU BEEN WORRIED ABOUT THIS ALL WEEK? WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST ASK ME? I KNOW ALL THE SPECIES OF BUGS IN THE WORLD. NOT ONLY IS IT MY JOB, BUT I MADE ALL OF THEM. THERE ARE NO STOMACH ACID THRIVING RED SPIDERS OR FLESH EATING TERMITES ON EARTH.”
OH RIGHT AND ROBYN SAID, “T-REX, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS ASK GOD YOUR DIFFICULT QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU ASK ME. HE KNOWS MORE THAN I DO.”
AND GOD SAYS, “THAT’S FOR DOING ME A SOLID, ROBYN! YOU’RE A REALLY COOL PERSON. I’M GLAD THAT T-REX IS FRIENDS WITH YOU.”
AND ROBYN SAID, “GOD, YOU’RE COOL, TOO. I’M GLAD T-REX HAS YOU IN HIS CORNER.”
AND THEN T-REX SAID, “OH NO, NOW THAT YOU GUYS HAVE MET YOU’RE GOING TO BECOME BETTER FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER AND NEVER HAVE TIME FOR ME, WHAT WITH YOUR BUSY SCHEDULES WITH YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY BUSINESS AND YOUR BEING GOD.”
AND GOD AND ROBYN SAID AT THE EXACT SAME TIME, “THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, T-REX. BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.”