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Niall was laying face down on the couch. The humidity in the air made it smell of wet dog and farts. The dark living room was dead still, apart from the clicking of Scrum’s paws on the hardwood floor coming closer.
As Scrum pressed his nose in Niall’s neck, his wagging tail hit a beer bottle off the coffee table.
Niall caught the bottle mid fall. He quietly set the bottle on a coaster before listening intently again.
One of the many dog hairs sticking out of the cushion tickled his nose.
“Achoo!”
The large windowpane behind him shattered and the glass came crashing down as four bullets hit the back of the sofa. His very expensive brand new sofa.
He rolled down onto the rug and belly crawled to the kitchen. Scrum accompanied him while licking the salt off his face and ears. Niall looked back and saw movement in the darkness behind the pool. He gently pushed the dog aside and away from him.
“Go get ‘em,” he whispered.
Scrum took off and Niall could see his dark contour gallop onto the sofa, through the broken window, and into the night.
-----
The grip of the pistol felt warm in Bressie’s moist palm as he changed the clip. He took off his suit jacket, dropped it on the patio, and rolled up his sleeves.
He scratched his beard and looked up at the sky to see the moon was mostly hidden behind thick clouds. A single drop hit his arm. The bedroom windows, now wide open, would have to be shut when it started raining for real. Bressie walked around the house, carefully looking into the windows. The only sounds he could hear were the dog panting next to him and the muffled crackling of thunder in the distance.
He opened the kitchen door, careful not to make any noise. He poked his head around the corner and listened. Scrum was gently whining and pushing at the back of his knees.
Bressie crouched down to scratch behind the dog’s ears. The sharp end of a knife hit the doorpost where his head had been a second ago. It vibrated audibly for a while.
He yanked it out of the wood, breaking off the tip of the knife. His very expensive brand new chef’s knife.
Scrum wiggled his way past Bressie and ran off into the darkness of the house.
-----
With his arms full, Niall ran up the spiral staircase, into the dark bedroom. He put down two cleavers, vegetable oil, a roll of paper towels, and a box of matches at the far end of the bed.
He then opened the door to the ensuite, grunting while kicking the damp and used towels to the side and leaving a plate of Irish sausages on the tiled floor. The dimmed light from the bathroom softy illuminated the shapes of the bedroom furniture.
Niall was walking back to his spot behind the bed when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He quickly popped his wireless earbuds in.
“Miss Laura Whitmore,” he said quietly as he ripped tissues off the roll and neatly positioned them on the unmade cotton bed sheets, “to what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Hi Niall, love. I just called to see if you’re available for a job later tonight.”
“One moment,” he whispered.
Niall poured the vegetable oil all over the paper towels and the rest of the bed. He dropped the empty bottle in the bin as he heard footsteps come up the stairs.
“Are you two at it again?” Laura asked.
“Yeah, he had it coming for awhile now. Hold on for a minute,” Niall said to the phone and he sought cover behind the bed.
There were clothes strewn all over the bedroom floor. Niall ground his teeth and started aggressively folding them.
Bressie somersaulted into the room while firing his pistol into the headboard. Scrum walked past him to the ensuite and began munching down the sausages.
-----
Bressie was crouched down by the dresser, scanning the room for any movement. A mobile slid over the softly illuminated carpet towards him, stopping several inches short of his knees.
“It’s the boss,” Niall said from somewhere in the dark shadows of the room.
When Bressie reached for the phone two cleavers came flying at him. One just missed his hand, the other scraped his right bicep.
“Ow, fecking hell,” Bressie cursed as he picked up the phone. He had to put down the pistol in order to grip his injured arm. The white fabric of his dress shirt was quickly coloring red between his fingers.
“You alright?” Laura asked.
“Yeah, yeah, just taking a mental health day,” Bressie said between his teeth.
“Good,” she said, “No use bottling things up. By the by, I was just asking your better half if you two are up for a job later tonight. Sounds like just about the right time for one.”
“Sure. Send us the details,” Bressie said, “and just to be clear; I’m winning.”
At that precise moment the bed caught fire. The explosion of flames threw him off balance and he scrambled to put down the phone and pick up his pistol at the same time. Through the blaze, Bressie could see Niall launching for an open window, and then he was out of sight. A loud splash indicated that he’d landed in the pool.
Bressie picked up his pistol with his good arm and jumped after him. Scrum did too.
-----
Niall climbed out of the pool and ran to the shed. The silent garden echoed the sopping wet sounds his clothes made. Luckily, the storm clouds had now completely obscured the moon.
A bolt of lightning illuminated the yard for a brief moment, just as he stopped to open the latch on the door to the shed. He looked back to the house and the pool to see Bressie standing there, expertly taking his aim. The thunder coincided with a flash from Bressie’s weapon and Niall’s hand exploded with pain.
In the deafening silence that followed he heard a click.
“Fecking gun,” he heard Bressie call out, followed by the clangour of an object hitting the metal shed.
Niall laughed out loud and slid behind the hot tub for cover in the darkness. He checked his hand as best he could by the faint glow of the on-switch that Bressie obviously hadn’t turned off last night. He flinched when he touched the wound, but it didn’t feel too wet, so he hadn’t severed an artery probably. Bressie was too good a shot for that anyway.
As Niall looked around for anything that could be used as a weapon, Scrum panted next to him and licked over his ear. The tub’s faint bubbling sound had masked his arrival.
-----
Eoghan drove up to the house. When he turned off the engine the whole place was shrouded in pitch black darkness. He walked up to the front door, guided by the strong scent of the lavender bushes alongside the path, and rang the bell as he tried to unstick his sweaty shirt from his back.
Of course, nobody bloody opened the door.
He walked around back, trying the kitchen door and finding it unlocked.
“Hello?” he called into the dark house, his voice cracking on the ‘o’.
In the living room a bright flash of lighting startled him enough to make him utter a high pitched screech. In that instant he saw the shattered window and the battered couch. The house was eerily quiet after such obvious violence. Then the thunder followed and he jumped again.
“Oh, god,” he muttered to himself, “I hope Laura was right and these two idiots haven’t killed each other yet.“
He walked to the window and just as he was about to call out more forcefully, he heard splashing and someone clearly gasping for breath from somewhere in the garden.
He drew his gun with shaky hands and swiftly approached the source of the noise. A cloud moved to show the moon and he was able to see Bressie on top of Niall in the hot tub, clearly trying to drown him.
“Hands where I can see them,” Eoghan almost screamed.
They both raised their hands, but Bressie didn’t move from his position. The splashing stopped.
“Niall, you’re bleeding from your hand!” Eoghan said in awe.
“It’s nothing. He barely shot me,” Niall said panting.
“He shot you?”
“He barely shot me,” Niall said with a big grin.
With their hands still in the air, the splashing started up again.
Niall moaned.
“Are you…?” Eoghan asked. “You two idiots are fucking, aren’t you?”
He holstered his gun and quickly took a white envelope from his back pocket.
Shielding his eyes he said: “I’ll just… I’ll leave these instructions and this keycard for you, here, on the chair. Ehm... Glad to see you’re on good terms again. Well, goodnight.” And he scurried off into the safety of the darkness with Scrum nipping at his heels.
-----
“Just to be clear,” Bressie said as they were soaking side by side in the hot water, “I won.”
“How do you reckon that?” Niall asked. “I drew first blood.”
“Yeah, but I shot you and caught you off guard and tossed you into the tub. I could have easily drowned you, chief.”
“But you didn’t,” Niall said with a huge grin, “Besides, thanks to me we’re enjoying the best romantic ambiance lighting ever.” He rubbed his cheek against Bressie’s beard looking at the house.
The flames coming out of the bedroom windows illuminated Niall’s face beautifully. Bressie stroked a hand through Niall’s hair, wincing about the pain flaring up in his bicep.
Bressie said, “Let’s call it a draw for now. Whoever kills the mark tonight wins for real. Now come here.”
“Oh, you’re so on,” Niall said as he climbed into Bressie’s lap, and Bressie kept him coming for quite a while after that.
They didn’t even notice the first thick raindrops falling, accompanied by the swiftly approaching sirens.
-----
Scrum sat next to the hot tub for awhile. The water was splashing over the side again, wetting his fur and paws again, and it had started pouring down with rain to make things even worse. He huffed and whined but his dads didn’t pay him any attention.
He eventually turned around, walked to the shed, and nestled onto a big stack of nice and dry potato sacks.
-----
The following day Bressie and Niall walked into Laura’s office holding hands. They sat next to each other on the leather chairs opposite her desk.
“Glad to see you’ve made up then,” she said with a wicked smile.
“We did,” Niall said, looking adoringly up to Bressie.
“Yeah,” Bressie sighed to Niall. He then directed his attention more matter of factly to Laura. “And we finished the job.”
Niall said, “Shot him straight through the heart, Brez did. Was an excellent shot.”
“So… I won.” Bressie leaned back and crossed his arms.
Laura looked over to Niall to gauge his reaction. He didn’t show any, except a little twitch in the corner of his mouth.
“You know,” Niall said calmly, “if you’d cleaned up after yourself once in awhile, it wouldn’t have to come to this. Every. Damn. Time!”
“Well, mister ‘I use a coaster to set down the remote on the coffee table’. Maybe if you weren’t so anally retentive about everything you-”
“Gentlemen. Guys, please,” Laura interrupted when she saw Niall reaching for the letter opener on her desk. She slid a thick wad of cash to them. “Just maybe use your earnings this time to go on a nice romantic holiday together, forget about your domestic troubles. Maybe even talk about where you’re going to buy a house next. You know, someplace nice and relaxing.”
“Okay, I guess it couldn't hurt to try,” Bressie said as he pulled his hand back out of his suit jacket. “Let’s go, chief?”
Bressie picked up the money and extended his giant hand to Niall who reluctantly took it with a small smile.
Laura watched them leave, Bressie gallantly holding the door open for Niall.
“I’m sure you’ll win next time,” Bressie said softly when Niall passed in front of him.
Laura was just able to see Niall’s smile change into a murderous one when Bressie looked back to say goodbye to her.
She sighed a deep sigh and shook her head slightly. She would have to find them another job soon, or else these two idiots would actually succeed in killing eachother one day.