Chapter Text
The night air was fresh and clear and smelled of rain. Naruto breathed in the scent of Konoha. It wasn’t as satisfying as it used to be.
”Are things okay with you and Sakura?”
Sasuke was sitting next to him, his presence like a soothing balm on Naruto’s soul. He had been in Konoha for a while now, much longer than Naruto could recall that he had been since the first time he left.
”Yes. Why do you ask?”
”I didn’t get to ask you before, but with everything that happened with Sarada and all… I thought maybe something was going on.”
It had been a while since the incident with the clones, but Naruto hadn’t seen Sasuke since then. He had been worrying about his friends for a long while, but he knew that if he asked Sakura she’d get mad.
”No, we’re fine.”
”So… she’s okay with you being away all the time?
”She accepts it. She knows why I’m doing it. I think Sarada understands it too now.”
”I’m not talking about accepting it… Sasuke… Do you really love her?”
“Yes, of course,” Sasuke said a bit tersely. Then he added in a milder tone, “I do. I’ve always cared for her, and… I do love her…”
”Then why do you spend so little time with her? We both know that the mission wasn’t that important. She knows that too.”
Sasuke got quiet.
”I just thought that you needed to be honest with yourself. I can see that Sakura is hurting, even though she puts on a brave front.”
”What about you?” Sasuke said. ”You don’t really have any right to tell me to spend more time with my family. When was the last time you took a day off to spend time with your kids?”
Naruto recoiled. ”I guess I deserved that,” he admitted. ”You’re right… I’m not one to speak. The truth is…” He stared down at his feet dangling fifty feet above the ground from the rooftop they were sitting at. “I’m not in love with Hinata anymore.”
The quiet night air was getting chillier. He could sense Sasuke staring at him.
“I…” Naruto continued. “I don’t know when it happened. I started working more. Started seeing her less. And then I started realizing that I didn’t long to be with her anymore. It is true that work can be tough at times, but sometimes I push myself further just to avoid going home. It’s affecting the kids, I can see that… but it feels like I’m stuck in a pit and all I can do is keep digging.”
They were quiet for a while.
“Still… I can’t see myself leaving her,” Naruto whispered.
“Why not?”
Naruto shrugged. “It would be even tougher on the kids. And on her. She’s… fragile, in a way. She relies a lot on me. I don’t have the heart to do that to her.”
“You’re not giving her much credit.”
“Maybe not… I don’t know… I don’t really know her that well despite having lived with her for so long. We had the kids early, and… I guess we never got the time to really get to know each other.”
“Why did you even marry her in the first place?”
Naruto scratched the back of his head. “I’ve thought a lot about that… It seemed like the right thing to do back then. She was nice and sweet and… I guess I felt I owed it to her or something… since she’d always believed in me and she never gave up on me…” He stared at a small hole in his pants. He hadn’t noticed it before and suddenly he found it very interesting. “I felt a bit pressured, too,” he added. “Everyone seemed to expect me to find a girlfriend and since I liked her a bit I thought it was a good choice.”
Sasuke might not say much, but his presence spoke for him. He was not only listening to Naruto, he was also sitting very close. There were barely a few inches separating them. It told Naruto that Sasuke was comfortable, that he enjoyed being there. And that was all Naruto could ask for.
“There’s also my position as hokage,” Naruto said. “It would become a huge scandal if I were to leave Hinata. I don’t care much about the media and all that, but I think she would find it troubling. She’s already uncomfortable with the few interviews she’s had to do and that she always has to look presentable and collected. It’s been a bit of a strain for her as well.”
“It sounds to me like the two of you would be better off apart.”
Naruto leaned back on his hands. His right hand ended up right behind Sasuke’s back. Naruto watched him unabashedly for a few moments. Sasuke was leaning a bit forward, his hand resting on his knee, looking out over the city that was illuminated in yellow, orange and red from the streetlights and lanterns and the soft light from the many homes.
Naruto lowered his gaze after a while, constantly conscious of the danger of being caught staring.
Sasuke stood. “I need to get going.”
Naruto stood too and dusted off.
They faced each other for a second, both hesitating. Naruto wanted to give Sasuke a hug, but he didn’t think Sasuke would appreciate it. He wasn’t the hugging type. Sasuke’s gaze changed to something a bit softer, a bit warmer, for a short second before he turned and left.
-------
Sasuke thought about what Naruto had said. Somehow, the words ‘do you really love her?’ kept circling around in his head. He had asked himself that question many times. He knew for a fact that he did love her.
But did he long for her when he was away? Did he think of her every waking moment, longing to be home so that he could finally be with her?
The honest answer was no.
He knew he should have loved her more. That he should have given her more of himself. But he couldn’t, because that part of him was reserved for someone else. Someone he could never have.
All he had left to give Sakura was scraps, but as long as she would accept it that would have to do.
-------
It was strange to be home. He felt awkward about talking with Sarada since he didn’t feel like he knew her, but at the same time he enjoyed spending more time with her. The relationship between him and Sakura was also a little strained. Each time they met it felt to him like he had to get to know her anew. And it wasn’t easy because she always put on a front around him.
She’d never seemed to hold a grudge against him like many others did, but sometimes he wondered if there was some part of her that had been deeply wounded by all the things that had happened between them in the past. She always put up a shield when she was with him and he had no idea what went on behind it. On one hand he wished she would open up to him properly, but on the other hand he knew that there was things he was keeping from her too, so they just continued on living on the surface, never brushing the deeper thoughts and feelings.
Unlike Naruto.
The conversation last night had really gotten Sasuke thinking. He wondered if he was hurting Sakura more than he knew by being so distant. She said that she supported him, but he too could sense that she wasn’t entirely happy.
There was also the issue of… intimacy. There were things that she wanted, and that she subtly hinted at, that he just couldn’t give her. He’d tried, but… It never felt entirely right. He felt he was denying her something vital and he knew that it was helping widening the chasm between them.
That’s why when Sakura told him Sarada would be at a sleepover that night, he decided he’d indulge her. She was delighted when he started kissing her after they had gone to bed that night. She always slept in sheer satin-nightgowns that hugged her hips and breasts, but to Sasuke those garments always felt a little too flimsy. He tried to be careful when he pulled it over her head. She wriggled out of it and placed her arms around his neck. She sighed when he kissed the column of her neck. He tried to ignore the strong flowery scent of her perfume. Up close it was almost cloying.
He slipped in between her legs and rocked gently against her. She curled around him with a soft groan. Her hands caressed his cheeks. He knew she wanted him to look at her, but he couldn’t. He pressed his face against her chest. He couldn’t…
She felt it too… That he wasn’t hard. She lay there quietly. The only sound in the room was from her breath slowly calming down. He rolled off her and then they turned their back on each other, pretending like nothing had happened.
The next morning Sasuke woke up alone. In the kitchen he found a note next to his lunch.
‘I’m visiting Ino, will be back by dinnertime. Love you. Sakura.’
Once again he felt like he ruined her life just by being in it, and she just brushed the scraps under the carpet and pretended like nothing.
He really felt like seeing Naruto.
-------
“Sakura made me lunch, but she always makes too much. I thought we could share it.”
Naruto’s face lit up in a smile.
“You thought about me?” he asked with a teasing grin. “That’s so sweet of you.”
“Unless you have your own lunch?”
Naruto’s grin fell. “No,” he said. “Actually, your timing is perfect. I’ve been delaying going out and buying something for too long.”
They went to sit on the huge stone head in Naruto’s likeness at the Hokage Mountain. For a while they ate in companionable silence.
Naruto finished his part of the meal fast and then he tried to steal from Sasuke. Sasuke knocked away his chopsticks. “That one’s mine.”
Naruto pouted. “You eat so slowly. It’ll go bad before you’re done.”
Naruto lay down and looked up at the sky. “Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you hadn’t gotten married?”
“Bleak.”
Naruto glanced over at Sasuke. “You don’t know that.”
“At least I have something to return to. If I didn’t have them…” he trailed off.
“You have me,” Naruto said and grinned.
Sasuke looked at him with a small, amused smile. “You have your own family.”
“Yeah, but if I didn’t? Then we could hang out all the time.”
“Great. So I have you until you find someone to settle down with. And then what?”
“Well, you could always settle down with me.” Naruto wriggled his brows, but inside his stomach was fluttering nervously. He was really flirting with destiny here.
Sasuke stilled.
For a second he looked like he took Naruto seriously.
“I was just joking,” Naruto said with a nervous laugh.
-------
There was a knock on the door. Sasuke opened. Outside stood Naruto and Boruto.
“Hi!" Naruto said with a wide grin. "Do you guys want to come with on a fishing trip?”
Sarada came running to the door. Her eyes nearly sparkled when she caught sight of Naruto. “Seventh!” Then she glared at Boruto who glared back.
Sasuke looked at Sarada. “What do you say?”
“Yes!”
--------
Sasuke had stretched out in the grass while Sarada and Boruto were skipping stones by the river. Naruto went over to him and sat down next to him. He watched his peaceful face. He seemed to be asleep, but Naruto knew better than that. He leant on his elbow, facing Sasuke.
“They seem to get along well.”
“They fight all the time,” Sasuke said without opening his eyes.
Naruto chuckled. “So did we and look at us now.”
He continued watching their children. He noticed how Sarada blushed slightly around Boruto, and how she seemed to suddenly become a bit shy before she snapped back to being annoyed at him. He’d noticed that Boruto seemed to be more eager to show off around her too.
“I think they’d make a cute couple,” Naruto mused.
“What?” Sasuke was suddenly wide-awake. “My daughter and that brat of yours?”
“Hey!”
Sasuke sat up and looked over at the kids. They were fighting over something. Suddenly, Boruto splashed water at Sarada. She stilled but even from a distance they could see that she was fuming.
“Uh, oh…” Naruto said.
Boruto seemed to realize he should be running, so he did, with Sarada hot on his heels wielding a bucket.
Naruto chuckled. “They remind me a lot of us when we were kids.”
It took him a moment to realize Sasuke was giving him a look.
“What?”
Sasuke shook his head. “Nothing.”
They lay next to each other in silence for a moment, watching their kids roll around in the grass, kicking and yelling.
Naruto watched Sasuke’s face while he wasn't paying attention to him. In the light of the setting sun Sasuke’s profile reminded Naruto of a time long past… Of a valley ruined by a fight between two young boys who had mover power than wits. Of a feeling of pure happiness at the sight of Sasuke’s smile and the lone tear that trailed down his cheek.
Naruto had to take a deep breath to calm the emotions that started to come to the surface, just as strong now as they had been over fifteen years ago.
He startled when Sasuke turned to look at him. Sasuke noticed Naruto’s inner turmoil immediately, even though Naruto tried to hide it, but he said nothing. It was their way of coping, sadly enough. It had become a habit not to ask, not to prod… Because they both knew that what hid underneath the surface was too wild to be tamed.
Sasuke sat up and dusted grass and leaves off his clothes.
“It’s getting late,” he said. “Sakura expects us home for dinner.”
“Oh… Yeah…” Naruto’s heart sank a bit.
Home…
They collected their things and told the kids they were leaving. Naruto walked as slowly as was humanly possible. Sasuke matched his pace without asking questions. The forest was beautiful at this time of year. Lush and green, and the underbrush hiding little gems like a meadow of yellow little flowers, or bushes of ripe, red berries.
There, in the semi-darkness of the forest, with only little rays of sunlight slipping in here and there and with their kids somewhere far ahead of them, Naruto suddenly felt extra brave.
“Sasuke,” he said and stopped.
Sasuke stopped too, and turned to him. He looked relaxed and content, and he had that warm look on his face again.
Naruto swallowed around the lump in his throat.
“I…”
They looked at each other and for a second it felt like Sasuke could see straight into his heart. He waited patiently. Naruto’s mouth felt so dry he could barely get the words out. He took a step closer.
“Sasuke… “ He cleared his throat. “There’s something I need to tell you… I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I think I made a mistake. I… It doesn’t matter if you feel the same or not but I… ah… I just need you to know that I love you… and not platonically. I – I’m in love with you.”
Naruto could feel his entire face grow hotter and redder for each word. He couldn’t look at Sasuke. He was astonished at himself for speaking those words after so many years of keeping quiet.
The silence of the forest settled down around them. Suddenly the soft dripping of dew falling from leaves and the gentle rush of a breeze rustling the branches was overwhelmingly loud and clear.
“How long have you been carrying this?” Sasuke asked.
His voice was soft and raw. When Naruto dared look at him, he found that his eyes were slightly moist. He closed them before Naruto could see too much.
“… For a long time.”
“But you didn’t say anything back when…”
Naruto knew what Sasuke wanted to say. Back before they settled down and had a family. “Everything was in turmoil back then… I didn’t know exactly how I felt about you. I was still a bit uncertain about who we were for each other.”
His voice grew soft. It barely carried over the breeze. “And then we parted ways and… life happened…”
Suddenly Sasuke embraced him. He squeezed Naruto tight and pressed his cheek to the side of Naruto’s head.
“I love you too,” he whispered.
Naruto closed his eyes and breathed in Sasuke’s scent. He held him tightly and felt an empty despair in the pit of his stomach at the knowledge that he could have had this. If only…
He held Sasuke even harder and buried his nose in the crook of his neck.
He felt Sasuke turn his head and did the same, and then Sasuke’s nose was pressed against his cheek and his hair was tickling the side of his face, and his lips were slotted firmly over Naruto’s.
Naruto shivered from the back of his neck down to his toes. Sasuke kissed him again and again, each kiss growing more desperate, his arm holding Naruto tighter, more firmly in place, practically drinking him in. Naruto opened his mouth without even noticing and returned the kisses with just as much desperation as Sasuke.
In the back of his mind he knew they couldn’t do this for long. Someone could see them. Their kids could see them. But in that moment it was unthinkable to stop. He held Sasuke’s waist tightly, his thumbs sneaking up under the hem of his shirt to caress his skin.
Sasuke drew in a desperate breath. His thumb caressed Naruto’s cheek, then the corner of his lips.
He placed a few close-mouthed kisses on Naruto’s parted lips before he finally drew away. Naruto looked at him through a film of tears. Though his eyes were moist he didn’t feel like crying. Sasuke looked so incredibly gentle and sad when he looked at Naruto. His thumb was still caressing his cheek. They were still standing so close that they could feel each other’s heartbeat.
Naruto leant closer till their foreheads met. They said nothing more. There was nothing more to say. They went home in silence.
-------
It was strange, but everything felt exactly the same when Sasuke got back home. It was like the kiss had never happened. He made small talk with Sakura, and listened to Sarada talking with enthusiasm about their trip with the hokage. He caught his thoughts drifting towards the kiss now and then. The whole incident felt almost surreal, like a dream. Just like many of the other dreams he’d had about kissing Naruto. But now he also had the memory of the feel of Naruto’s mouth against his, of the warmth of his body and the strength of his arms entwined around his neck. Of the scent of him up close…
“Sasuke?”
Sasuke startled back to reality at Sakura’s voice. She looked at him curiously. “Do you want more rice?”
“… Yes. Thank you.”
-------
He had sex with Sakura that night. Sarada was home, but it was late at night and her room was at the other end of the hall. He didn’t know what came over him, but he needed the intimacy right then. Sakura didn’t protest about the spontaneity, although she threw a few concerned looks towards the door. They were quiet, like they always were. He finished far too soon, but he could tell that she was satisfied. She smiled and held his face and kissed him tenderly before he fell asleep.
-------
He didn’t talk to Naruto for a few days after that. He just couldn’t bring himself to face him. What should they do about it anyway? They were both married. So when they met again, things were a bit awkward. Naruto blushed and avoided looking directly at Sasuke. They were with their wives at a festival that Sakura had to fight long to convince him to come to. They were meeting up with their friends. The kids were off somewhere buying dango and god knew what other kinds of sweet stuff with the money they’d gotten for the occasion.
The women were wearing kimonos. Sakura looked very sweet in her pink and white kimono adorned with sakura flowers, but Sasuke only had eyes for Naruto. He was dressed up too, and it was unusual to see him so… incredibly good looking. Sasuke continuously had to pry his eyes away from him.
They didn’t talk much at first. Naruto was busy chatting with everyone else. It wasn’t often he had time off to see his friends. Sasuke just got more and more miserable as the night proceeded. It had been hours and Naruto still hadn’t talked to him.
He was sitting by a table together with Sakura, Ino, Sai, Chouji and Karui. He didn’t say much and as he drank more and more sake, he got more and more quiet. Sakura tried to pull him into the conversation, but soon she gave up. Chouji tried for some small talk, and Sai seemed unabashed about asking Sasuke almost anything.
At one point Sarada came in.
“What are you doing here?” Sasuke said. He pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. She looked baffled and pleased.
“I just wanted to tell you that I’m going home now. Together with Cho Cho.”
Sasuke looked across the room to where Boruto was talking to Hinata. He didn’t see Cho Cho anywhere.
“You’re not going with Boruto, are you?”
He got an elbow in the side from Sakura. “You can walk home with whomever you want, darling,” she said. “And Boruto is a good kid.”
Sarada ran off and Sasuke turned to Sakura.
“He’s a boy.”
She chuckled. “I know that.”
“I don’t want my daughter walking home alone with a boy.”
Sakura rolled her eyes. “She knows him. And so do you. You don’t really think he’s gonna do anything inappropriate?”
Sasuke sent a look in Naruto’s direction. He was starting to get a bit drunk and was being even louder than normal.
“Knowing where he came from…”
Sakura gave his arm a playful slap. “Come on, give him some credit.”
She turned back to her conversation with Ino and Karui, and Sasuke realized that Chouji and Sai had left the table, and that Hinata and Temari had taken their places. He finally swallowed his pride and went over to Naruto and the other men. When Naruto saw him approaching he stood and bellowed, “Sasuke!”
Then he grabbed Sasuke and gave him a big hug. Sasuke froze completely. He heard the other guys guffaw.
“Let the poor man breathe,” he heard Kiba say. “He always gets very hands-on when he’s drunk,” he explained when Sasuke had sat down.
“Talk for yourself, Kiba,” Naruto slurred. “You hugged everyone you met the last time we were out.”
The other guys fell into an easy conversation, and Sasuke found that it wasn’t so difficult to join in. Naruto was sitting almost uncomfortably close with his whole thigh touching Sasuke’s thigh, but it was so crowded around the table that Sasuke couldn’t move away. And then, in the middle of conversation, Naruto suddenly placed his hand on Sasuke’s knee under the table. Sasuke tensed, worried that someone would notice, but no one did. Naruto’s hand stayed on his knee, only squeezing and petting it occasionally. Sasuke felt desire bloom hot in his belly. He found it difficult to control it in his inebriated state, especially after having dreamed of Naruto touching him for so long. He had to excuse himself and went out to get some fresh air.
Naruto followed him shortly after. There was no one else outside at that moment, and the second they were both out of sight from the door, Naruto pressed Sasuke up against the wall and kissed him with a fierce hunger. Sasuke was too overwhelmed to protest at first. He let himself be pinned against the wall and greedily accepted Naruto’s mouth. But his sanity came back to him far too soon. If anyone walked out that door, they’d be busted. He turned away from the kiss, but Naruto just continued down his neck, sucking harshly on his skin. Sasuke moaned in surprised pleasure. He felt Naruto’s erection press against his hip and had to bite his lip in order not to give in to the desire.
He pushed Naruto away.
“Are you out of your mind?” he hissed.
“Maybe,” Naruto panted. His pupils were almost consuming his irises.
“We can’t,” Sasuke said as firmly as he could.
Naruto leant in and kissed Sasuke’s jaw. “It’ll be quick. We can go to my place.”
“…People will wonder where we are.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Naruto’s kisses trailed up Sasuke’s cheek, to his cheekbone.
Sasuke pushed Naruto away again. “We can’t do this,” he said with finality. “You’ll regret it tomorrow.”
Naruto looked sad. “I – ”
“You’re drunk. If you want to kiss me again… Do it when you’re sober.”
And then he slipped back into the restaurant.