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Theowlisthelimit asked: what's the worst thing
That feeling when you’re stabbing someone and the knife hits bone. Super gross. Also, when Steve uses up all the hot water.
Anonymous asked: hey asshole. Best thing about the future besides Steve’s new and improved™ ass?
All you can eat buffets and NASA. And there’s nothing new or improved about Steve’s ass. It’s the same as it has been for the last 90 years - in need of kicking.
Anonymous asked: are you left handed or right handed?
I literally only have a right hand you ass. The other one is a terrifying weapon of destruction & mayhem.
Anonymous asked: what do you want to be when you grow up?
Taller than Steve again.
anonymous asked: I WILL GIVE YOU MY LEFT ARM
Trust me on this–that never goes well.
Anonymous asked: have you tricked Clint into getting his tongue frozen to your arm yet?
You clearly haven’t thought this through. If I did that, then Clint would be stuck to me. That would be terrible.
Anonymous asked: #old man yells at cloud.
- It’s a storm cloud 2. Thor is inside it 3. I am yelling at Thor, not the cloud because 4. He somehow electrified the TOILET
hannatude asked: Bucky, what do you use to get your hair looking so soft?! I've tried EVERYTHING and it just results in a fuzzy, frizzy mess.
Repeated deep-cooling treatments.
Anonymous asked: do you think Steve should start using parachutes?
Steve needs to start using parachutes, safety helmets, kneepads and floaties. And that’s on days he’s just hanging around indoors. The man is a menace.
fahcraywood asked: have you (or has anyone else) ever tried braiding your hair?
People who I know who can braid hair:
Clint. He insists that he ‘knows stuff.’
Thor. His hair might braid itself? Not sure but its braided a lot and I dunno who else might be doing it.
Tony. if you ask him about this he just starts talking about supermodels. (Pepper can’t braid her own hair but she can do other people’s.)
Steve. He was in a traveling show with like 50 girls. He can do very elaborate hairdos
People who cannot braid hair:
Nat. Braiding is not murder relevant and also she doesn’t care.
Me. I have a fucking robot hand.
anonymous asked: Did u get a bath bomb tho?
I mean…the problem with smelling like a cloud and being covered in glitter is that it really makes it hard to be stealthy. So…
What I am saying is that there is a Hydra base that is a lot more exploded and a lot sparklier than it used to be. It was not subtle at all.
anonymous asked: hey Bucky, do you remember Namor? have you guys seen him lately?
I had actually totally forgotten Namor until Tony & I were watching Star Trek and Spock looked…really familiar?? Namor was cool but he always smelled a little like fish. I haven’t seen him but I haven’t been in the ocean much. Steve might know. He was in the ocean for a while.
anonymous asked: what is your favorite hair color on girls?
My favorite hair color on girls is whatever color of hair they want to have. In Nat’s case, that color is ‘blood of my enemies.’ for Pepper, it’s ‘slightly more civilized blood of my enemies’
Also I have been trying to talk Thor into dyeing his hair blue. I just feel like he could really make that work.
anonymous asked: Hey Bucky! Do you ever give one of the members of your team a really dirty look and talk in Russian ((like about dogs and other things)) to Nat making that team mate think your saying mean things about them?
People who speak Russian who live in the tower: Thor, Clint, Tony, Nat, Vision, Wanda, Pepper, Dr. Banner, me.
People who don’t speak Russian: Steve.
We tried doing the mean-but-really-normal Russian conversation gag with Steve once. But then he spent all afternoon making Sad Faces and later he sat me down for a Serious Conversation about if I held a grudge against him for the hydra stuff and so we don’t do that anymore.
Anonymous asked: Which Avenger is the worst driver?
Nat, Clint & Tony are all highly trained defensive drivers. Riding with them is like being in a car chase, but they know what they’re doing so it’s actually pretty safe.
Dr. Banner drives like he’s 90: super slow and cautious, but with occasional really terrifying bits of road rage. Tony likes to make him drive convertibles so that if he hulks out he won’t have to do it through the roof of a car.
Steve…I’m not sure if anyone ever really taught Steve how to drive or if he just figured it out on the fly. Either way no one wants to ride with Steve because he’s 1. A terrible driver and 2. Probably going to get his vehicle exploded sooner or later.
Thor and Vision don’t drive.
Wanda drives like a Russian; which is to say, however the fuck she wants, and everyone else better make room for her. It’s a good thing she has magic powers or she’d probably have died in a car accident by now.
It turns out I can drive anything like an expert. Literally anything. Two months ago, one of Tony’s competitors released a ‘top secret’ jetpack prototype and I already knew how to pilot it. No idea how or why.
Anonymous asked: is peter not an avenger or does he just not drive
That infant is not old enough to drive. He’s a baby. A weirdly flexible sneaky baby.
Anonymous asked: Why do u call everyone by their 1st name except Dr. Banner?
It is because I respect him so much as a scientist and also the Hulk is awesome. I tried calling Tony Dr. one time but he insisted that I actually had to call him Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Stark because he has 7 PhD’s. So instead when I’m talking to Tony I mostly just call him asshole.
Anonymous asked: Have you ever gotten in a drinking contest with the others. Aren't you kinda like Thor and Steve (where they once drank that really fermented wine from Asgard and they weren't more than like slightly tipsy)? Is that at thing?
Yes, we do have drinking contests but we play in teams as part of an elaborate drinking game called ‘forget your traumas.’
Right now, the teams are “water-related trauma;” which is Tony and Steve, “brainwashing & assassins;” which his me, Nat and Clint, and “anger issues” which is Thor and Dr. Banner.
Currently the method of play is some kind of freeze tag? And the floor is lava. There are ping pong balls involved. Jarvis keeps track of the rules and tells people when they have to drink. We never know who wins though because we can’t agree if winning is the most or the least drunk.
kalydae asked: bucky how come i can't keep a modern-day man?
I mean, probably you just need to get better at knot-tying. Or invest in some better handcuffs, maybe some more padlocks. Generally, if you really don’t want someone to get away you shoot out their kneecaps, but I don’t advise doing any of that because it’s pretty morally reprehensible.
…it’s just occurred to me that you might be talking about dating. If that’s the case I advise communication, respect, and asking for advice from someone who’s dated at all in the last 50 years.
Anonymous asked: why is peter on ur team he’s like 11
Look if you know any other 11-year olds that can lift ten tons please let me know. Seriously tell me, I will go recruit them myself, I love having small children around who can beat up Steve, it’s hilarious.
Anonymous asked: do you know sign language? And does Clint ever lose/forget to put in/drop his hearing aids down a vent
I know a bit of sign. I can communicate better in military hand-signal though.
Weirdly, Tony is actually the best at sign. It turns out that when he was developing the gesture language he was using with the bots he learned a lot of different languages of sign. His vocabulary is very extensive.
Clint doesn’t often forget his hearing aids, but he does deliberately take them out when he’s ignoring people, because he’s a dick. And I am jealous of his ability to not listen to the stupid briefings.
anonymous asked: I feel like I've been teetering on the edge between fuck it calm and oh shit anxiety for the last four days and I think I'm falling over into the anxiety side. What do you do to cope with stress and anxiety??
Today Dr. Banner was messing around in the kitchen. I think he was really really sleep deprived. I spent about an hour flicking dried peas into his hair, which is so curly and poofy it just kind of caught them. I would picture my stress and anxiety bundling up into tiny little green hulks and then I would release them back to Dr. Banner, who knows what to do with Hulks.
Mostly I make myself comfortable and then engage in a low-stress activity that requires enough mental activity that I don’t get caught up in overthinking. Sometimes I knit really hideous scarves to give to Steve, because he hasn’t figured out yet that I’m doing it on purpose. Once, when I was stress-fidgeting really bad, Nat painted my nails so I had to stop, and we watched a movie.
Dr. Banner didn’t notice the peas. I wonder if he has yet.
Marvelstorage asked: Dear Bucky, I just sent my vote by mail in and am feeling really bummed out. Do you know any ways to make me feel better after this god-awful election?
Whenever I get bummed out by politics I look up baby animal videos instead. Or I make a really elaborate hot chocolate with peppermint and marshmallows and whipped cream. Or I feed birds in the park, therefore giving fuel with which to poop on people’s heads. And I tell them to fly to Washington DC and start looking for idiots to drop turds on. Usually this is pretty useless, but last time I did it I brought Sam to translate, so hopefully soon a particular moron will wind up with doo in the ‘do.
I realize it is late and probably the pigeons are sleeping. But I like to picture it anyway.
Anonymous asked: Do you practice your strut or does it come naturally?
Do you know I’m not actually sure?? Steve says that I didn’t walk like that before the war–I strutted but very differently. Which means that it’s a Hydra thing, and I have no idea if they taught me to walk like that or if that’s my most natural murder walk. I talked it over with Clint and Tony and we agreed that its hilarious to picture some Hydra scientists working on developing the perfect runway murder strut.
We may never know, because I may never remember. But if you say the words ‘Work it, soldat, work it’ in a heavy Russian accent around Clint or Tony they will 100% laugh so hard they cry.
Anonymous asked: Re: The Murder Strut - I could say Gotta Be The Shoes, but does the walk still work barefoot, or does it rely on a certain style of combat boot?
Since the conversation I mentioned involved Tony it naturally also involved some scientific experimentation. The strut works in combat boots, boat shoes, bunny slippers, barefoot, and in six-inch heels.
It is apparently the most terrifying in heels.
Nebulaeofpie asked: Dearest Bucky: What has been the weirdest experience you had at one of Tony's parties?
Going to Tony’s parties at all is a weird experience. I always feel kind of like I’m supposed to be undercover or keeping track of a date or something. Usually I wind up having a nice conversation with someone who’s hanging on the fringes, and then Lewis runs up to me after and goes ‘dude, that was LADY GAGA’ like I’m supposed to know what the hell that means. This is America, we don’t have nobility. It’s not patriotic.
I had a very nice conversation with this strange old man named Stan last time. Nice guy, but he can’t hold is liquor.
Most of them are nice people though. I’m getting used to it. Weirdly more of them know who I am than the other way around. And since problems with mental disorders and substance abuse are not only common among the super famous but also hugely publicized, most of them are sympathetic and pretty cool about stuff. If you’d told me this was who I’d be hanging out with when I was younger I’d never have believed you.
The best thing is the catering. Say what you will about Tony, the man knows how to cater.
But the weirdest party experience is one I’m not actually allowed to talk about. The Hulk was involved. So were two ice sculptures of Iron Man, a live lobster, and Mjolnir. Clint lost an eyebrow. It was not a good look for him.