Work Header

The Lady Gaga

Work Text:

The Lady Gaga's musical talents were evident even while she was a child. As a young lady, she was sent to train as a pianist at the New England Ladies' Conservatory, but was expelled after refusing to play set pieces, preferring to rearrange them for new instruments. She then transferred to the Kraftwerk-Bowie Musical Academy, where her talents were nurtured. It was here that she composed some of her earliest pieces, including Gentlemen Gentlemen Gentlemen and Simply Oscillate.

Upon her rise to fame, she became known for her innovative compositions. Those which have proved most popular, amongst the music-hall crowd and aristocracy alike, include Gambling Visage, Gentlemen Of The Press and Dreadful Courtship. She was lauded for the aria Show Me Your Teeth - an ode on the very gears and cogs which make up such an important part of our lives to-day. Perhaps her most famous is the operatic work, Letter, which was written and performed as a duet with the noted soprano Miss Honey Bee. This last piece is a ballad, telling the tale of a young lady whose suitor, hopelessly in love, writes her a series of missives while she takes tea at her club. I am delighted to present an extract of the libretto:


My dear boy, a letter from you! Sadly I cannot read it.
I am taking tea at my club and the lighting is low.
What could this say? Your penmanship is indecipherable.
I apologise, for I cannot read your missive; I am preoccupied.

I am preoccupied!
I am preoccupied!
I cannot read this letter!
I am preoccupied!

One moment. A classical piece I appreciate is being played
And I cannot write back to you; I am holding my tea and cake.
I gave you opportunity enough to court me today;
Now you write me letters while I am preoccupied!

Stop writing! Stop writing! I don't want to read any more!
My heart and mind are here, at my club, taking tea.
I am at my ladies' club and sipping upon Earl Grey.
My heart and mind are here, at my club, taking tea.

Write as many letters as you desire, but I shall not reply.
While I am at my club I shall not read your notes.


Suitor! Your influx of letters will do nothing to dissuade me;
I shall not don my coat, nor desist from taking tea with the other ladies.
I should not have told you my whereabouts!
This is a disastuh!
Writing constantly as if I am a newspaper editor!
I apologise, but I shall not reply!


Please, good sir, understand, I am partial to your courtship.
But I am at my club, and not inclined to receive your missives.
It is as if I live in Grand Central Station!
Today, I will accept no more correspondence, for I will be taking tea.

The lady has, of course, found infamy outside of her work, most notably for her refusal to wear a skirt or pantaloon that might protect her modesty. Indeed, at her recital at the Covent Garden Winterpalace, several gentlemen of a more virtuous disposition were seen to faint after Lady Gaga revealed first her ankles, then her knees, and finally an enormous prosthetic male member, with which she proceeded to perform obscene acts upon a young lad hired to dance.