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    Summary

    Eskel is a wolfman who just wants peace and quiet, but that’s interrupted by an annoying ass, a racist noble, and a stupid quest. He doesn’t want to fight a dragon and save a princess, he just wants to be left alone, but life seldom gives a shit what you want. So he’s going on a quest.
    Note: This is nearly a shot for shot remake of Shrek, but with witcher characters and a change in the plot plus a gratuitous amount of cursing and references to sexy times (though mostly fade to black sex).

    Dedicated to bright little star J who was super hype for this silly little Shrek reskin. Thank you for your support! ❤️

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    17,931
    Chapters:
    10/10
    Comments:
    31
    Kudos:
    33
    Hits:
    420
  2. Tags
    Summary

    Vesemir, Geralt, Eskel, Lambert, and Coën were up on the wall-walk of the eastern wall to mend a gap that wear and tear had formed in one of the keep’s walls. Soon the air would be too cold for the mortar to dry properly so they were taking advantage of the fact that they had all returned early this year to get it done.

    With Nilfgaard’s invasion and narrow defeat at Sodden, the Continent had grown too dangerous even for witchers to roam about, but so far Kaer Morhen was safe.

    The sound of laughter coming from the courtyard below drew the attention of all five men.

    Dandelion and Ciri were crossing the cracked flagstones, arms filled with hay for the horses, talking and giggling. Both princess and poet had been stripped of their finery, their usual clothes wholly unsuitable for the decrepit keep and its rough everyday life. Instead, they wore warm and practical, if ill-fitting, clothes that the witchers had dug out and scraped together for their guests.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,754
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    5
    Kudos:
    74
    Bookmarks:
    7
    Hits:
    374
  3. Tags
    Summary

    Geralt and Dandelion are caught in a snowstorm and have to seek shelter in an ancient barrow.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,636
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    6
    Kudos:
    49
    Bookmarks:
    3
    Hits:
    309
  4. Tags
    Summary

    Jaskier is supposed to get dressed for dinner and performance, but he doesn't want to deal with all those buttons and straps, Geralt helps him.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,775
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    6
    Kudos:
    67
    Bookmarks:
    6
    Hits:
    365
  5. Tags
    Summary

    Upon their arrival in Vizima Dandelion had insisted, simply insisted, that they visited a bathhouse as soon as their horses were stabled and lodging for the night had been sorted out. He had refused to accept being covered in grime and road dirt for one moment longer than necessary. Geralt, as he had expected, had readily agreed, the witcher had no more love of being dirty than Dandelion, though perhaps a bit more tolerance for it. So the moment their horses are stabled and they have securely deposited their belongings at their lodgings, they beeline for the nearest bathhouse.

    Dandelion rents them a private stall. He wants them to have a chance not only to get clean but to relax. On the road, there’s always an element of alertness, even when they camp for the night but now they’re safely behind city walls they can let their guard down.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,449
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    2
    Kudos:
    72
    Bookmarks:
    2
    Hits:
    436
  6. Tags
    Summary

    The time of the year when they part is almost upon them, but there is yet a little time left.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    492
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Kudos:
    23
    Bookmarks:
    1
    Hits:
    153
  7. Tags
    Summary

    Feeling like Geralt is shutting down on them, Jaskier asks Yennefer for help.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,643
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    9
    Kudos:
    85
    Bookmarks:
    3
    Hits:
    643
  8. Tags
    Summary

    “How did it- Geralt, you’re bleeding!” Dandelion cried out when he saw him.

    The poet had been sitting quietly by the brightly burning fire but had stood up when Geralt entered.

    Geralt winced at Dandelion’s loud exclamation cursing himself.

    It wasn’t that he had forgotten that the bard was back at camp, but their friendship was still new and he was so unaccustomed to any traveling companion and to having anyone with him on a hunt that wasn’t another witcher that he hadn’t considered how he would appear to someone, not battle seasoned and used to bloodshed.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,006
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    2
    Kudos:
    94
    Bookmarks:
    2
    Hits:
    525
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    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,154
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Kudos:
    60
    Hits:
    434
  10. Tags
    Summary

    Geralt studies Jaskier as the bard sleeps, curled up next to the dying bonfire of their camp. The strands of his dark hair lie unruly over his brow and his mouth is lax and half open, deep in sleep as he is. Geralt thinks he should not be able to sleep so peacefully and yet he is.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,456
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    6
    Kudos:
    102
    Bookmarks:
    9
    Hits:
    1188
  11. Tags
    Summary

    He walks past booths and stalls, filled with every imaginable ware and a few unimaginable ones with no sign of Dandelion. Only when he’s near to giving up and has resolved to find a place to get a cool drink and escape the heat of the summer afternoon does he spot the bard’s mop of blond curls and the back of his bright blue doublet in a sudden parting in the throng.

    Oddly Dandelion is standing between an empty stall and the wall of a building and as Geralt gets closer, he can see that he’s arguing with a woman who is dressed in a noble's attire. She has long, blonde hair and a haughty mien. Though Geralt can only see Dandelion’s back every line of his body screams fury and indignation.

     

    Who is this woman who can inspire such anger in his friend?

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,265
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Kudos:
    154
    Bookmarks:
    5
    Hits:
    786
  12. Tags
    Summary

    Jaskier chooses their new name.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,113
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    16
    Kudos:
    82
    Bookmarks:
    6
    Hits:
    415
  13. Tags
    Summary

    Jaskier has been keeping a secret from Geralt because he knows he'll reject him if he finds out. But what if that's not true?

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,625
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    6
    Kudos:
    78
    Bookmarks:
    9
    Hits:
    1872
  14. Tags
    Summary

    Dandelion, Geralt and an evening at The Mandragora.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    885
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    2
    Kudos:
    33
    Hits:
    255
  15. Tags
    Summary

    Lammas festivals might be Geralt’s favorite time of the year. Good food, decent ale, and people in good cheer. Dandelion is enjoying himself too, preening under the attention his performance is getting. 

    Geralt had been getting worried about him. He’s been moody lately and silent to the point of being taciturn, so unlike his usual verbose and cheery self. No amount of prompting from Geralt had been able to get the poet to talk about what was bothering him. 

    But not tonight. Tonight Dandelion is his usual self, impetuous, loud, and shining so bright he dazzles everyone around him.  

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,407
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    2
    Comments:
    11
    Kudos:
    114
    Bookmarks:
    8
    Hits:
    475
  16. Tags
    Summary

    Pirate captain of the Chameleon, Dandelion, meets the fearsome witcher pirate captain, Geralt of Rivia, their mission? Seduction.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,166
    Chapters:
    2/2
    Comments:
    17
    Kudos:
    120
    Bookmarks:
    12
    Hits:
    1542
  17. Tags
    Summary

    Geralt has made Dandelion a present.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,057
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    17
    Kudos:
    142
    Bookmarks:
    10
    Hits:
    553
  18. Tags
    Summary

    After portalling the four of them away from a Nilfgaardian ambush, Yennefer is left drained and Jaskier is badly injured. Without her magic she can't heal them so they're forced to seek shelter elsewhere until her chaos recovers.

    Exerpt
    Jaskier was lying on the floor and cursing Geralt loudly between bitten off cries while Geralt was kneeling beside them, leaning over their outstretched leg and applying pressure.

    “What happened?” she asked, moving to kneel next to Geralt. His hands were already covered in Jaskier’s blood, red seeping between his fingers where he kept his hands clamped over their thigh.

    “One of those Nilfgaardian bastards got lucky,” Jaskier hissed through clenched teeth.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,159
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    4
    Kudos:
    74
    Bookmarks:
    4
    Hits:
    998
  19. Tags
    Summary

    Jaskier was a strange man.

    For one, he was unflinchingly, maddeningly determined, more so than anyone Geralt had ever had the displeasure of knowing. Nothing deterred him. Not deadly monsters, not the dangers and inconveniences of the Path when he’d spent so much of his life living comfortably, and not Geralt’s abrasive demeanor and refusal to admit he really did like having the bard around.

    For another, he oftentimes didn’t really strike Geralt as a man.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,106
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    23
    Kudos:
    259
    Bookmarks:
    27
    Hits:
    1287
  20. Tags
    Summary

    Fifty-three years ago the Purge of the Witcher guilds were committed. The idea initially introduced to various monarch by a shadow cabal within the Brotherhood of Mages who feared the renegade sorcerers creating the witchers would one day turn their monstrous creations against them in a play for power. 

    After the Purge the witchers seemingly disappeared apart from a few stragglers and the cabal congratulated themselves on the great success, believing that the few monsters who still roamed the Continent could be dealt with by other means should it prove necessary. 

    But their glee was to be short lived. 

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    18,734
    Chapters:
    10/52
    Comments:
    50
    Kudos:
    128
    Bookmarks:
    24
    Hits:
    1625

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