Chapter Text
You have never been an overly dramatic person and have always taken great pride in the way you are able to remain calm and seemingly unbothered by most of the things that happened to you in school but your current situation is taking all of that to new levels that even surprise you.
It has been a full week since Carmilla broke up with Ell and you found out about her and Panther being the same person. The two of you are still roommates after you reassured Carmilla that you really did not want her to be sent home. It clearly surprised her and a month ago, when this whole mess started, you would have been surprised by that as well. Carmilla used to be your biggest nightmare and nothing should make you happier than to have this ruined for her. But she has also been your best friend for most of your life and especially with finding out about Panther and knowing how she really feels about this, you really cannot say that she would deserve getting thrown out of camp and being forced to spend the rest of the summer with her witch of a mother and bitch of an ex-girlfriend.
You can tell that Carmilla was and still is confused by you not hating her right now and you cannot blame her. It has been a week and you have yet to figure out a way to tell her that you know about her internet persona. It really does not help that the two of you have been texting pretty much nonstop either and Carmilla really wants to have a phone call with you. Actually, it is way worse than that. She wants to get to know you better. Over the last couple of days, she has opened up about her real life more than she ever did before, sharing personal details and even going so far as offering to send you a picture of her. You declined though, knowing that there was no way you could get away with not sending her one either without being a gigantic asshole or making her think you are a creepy old man.
She has been so trusting and opening up to you about the things going on with… well… you and you know that there is no one else she could talk to about this, especially not to you in real life so you do not know how to tell her the truth without taking away the one person she seems to be happy to talk to right now. With every message you read and especially every answer you send, you want to punch yourself for not clearing the air the night you had figured it out. But who knows what would have happened then?
As much as online Carmilla talks to online you, it is the complete opposite for your real-life encounters. Whenever you are forced to interact, like at band rehearsals or at lunch, the both of you are civil. But it did not take you long to notice how she actively avoids being alone with you. She uses every opportunity she gets to excuse herself from staying in the hut for too long when you are around, going as far as only coming back when she thinks you are already sleeping. Most of the time these opportunities are presented by Elsie who, after finding out that Carmilla is newly single, cannot seem to keep her eyes or even sometimes hands off her. You really did not think that her flirting in the first weeks here at camp was her holding herself back. But what do you know. It seems like there is no one out there who cannot surprise you.
There is no point in lying to yourself anymore.
You hate seeing them together. You hate that Carmilla rather spends all of her time with Elsie. You hate that she is doing it to avoid you. You hate that this makes you so jealous. What you hate most of it is that not even Panther is telling you what all of those late night visits are about. Carmilla did text you that she avoids you to give you space because she thinks that you hate her but she keeps leaving out the part where she goes off with Elsie doing goddess knows what.
You hate that you have no right to be jealous because you are not even friends right now. You have no right to know what she is up to because it is none of your business.
But damn, how badly do you wish to have the right to know and be jealous.
There is no point in lying to yourself.
You were in love with Carmilla back when you were best friends. You were in love with Carmilla when you hated her for treating you like garbage. You were in love with her when you became roommates. You were in love with her when you became friends again, when you thought she betrayed you again. You were in love with her when she apologized, and you believed her.
You are in love with Carmilla.
Carmilla, who is avoiding you because she thinks you hate her.
Who is hurting you even more by doing something she is doing because she hurt you.
Which you know because she told you, while not knowing that it is you.
You are in love with an idiot.
You are both idiots.
The only difference is that Carmilla is being a giant idiot without realizing it while you are fully aware of what is happening right now.
Fuck, you really need to talk about this.
*****
The fact that you are still a giant coward has not changed, but you decide that you should make Carmilla talk to you again. Or at least make it more difficult for her to avoid you.
Mattie seems to know exactly when you are in need of a conversation starter because there just so happens to be another campfire gathering announced for tonight and you figure there probably is not going to be a better opportunity to start getting closer to Carmilla again.
“You’re going to the campfire tonight?” You ask Carmilla, while the both of you are getting ready for the mentoring lessons set for this afternoon.
The both of you are alone in your hut and she is clearly surprised by you addressing her.
“I mean, sure. Everybody is going.” She answers hesitantly but does not look at you.
“Want to head over there together later?” You are surprised by your courage but there has been enough tiptoeing around each other in the past week and you are sick of it. There has got to be a way to make Carmilla understand that you are not mad at her anymore.
“Ehh, I don’t know if I’ll make it in time.” She starts carefully. “Elsie wanted to hang out after the mentoring to work on… one of the songs.”
“Oh, okay.” You hate that just the thought of the two of them together makes you feel like throwing up. “So, I’ll just see you there then?” You ask nevertheless, hoping that Carmilla will finally understand that you want her to stop avoiding you.
She just nods before quickly leaving the hut and making her way to the rehearsal rooms.
You look after her and sigh.
In love with a freaking idiot.
*****
Your heart nearly leaps out of your chest when Carmilla sits down next to you on a log close to the fire. You did not even notice that she was here already, too busy watching the flames before you and being lost in thoughts.
“Hey” She says after sitting down, her gaze also directed to the flames.
“Hi” You reply and you can instantly feel how nervous you are and how awkward things are between you again.
Neither of you say anything for a while, only staring straight ahead until you decide that silence is not going to fix any of your problems.
“How was working on the songs with Elsie?” You ask tentatively without looking at her.
“It was alright. Didn’t really get very far with anything.” Carmilla answers and you feel a pang in your chest at the implication. “I’d just wish she would stick to the piano and gave up on the singing.”
“By the amount of time the two of you spend on practicing, I’m sure she must be getting at least a bit better.” You cannot help but notice how bitter you sound right now but there is no point in trying to hide your feelings when that is exactly what the two of you should be talking about.
You feel Carmilla looking at you but you refuse to meet her eyes. It takes a moment before she starts to speak up again.
“You know, there is nothing going on with Elsie and I, right?”
This makes you look up to her. “I guess, now I know.”
Carmilla shakes her head and looks down at her hands.
“You don’t have to do this, Laura?” She says quietly while picking on her fingernails.
“What?”
“You don’t have to be nice to me, or act like you care about me.” She starts to explain. “Just because Ell and I are over and she cheated on me and all of that doesn’t change the way I treated you and made you feel. Just because I’m also hurting now doesn’t change that I still don’t deserve to be your friend.”
“Stop saying that, Carm. I’m not being nice because I feel sorry for you or anything. I’m doing this because I hate that you’re avoiding me, that we went back to not talking to each other. I mean… isn’t that what got us into this whole mess to begin with? Is it that hard to believe that I just don’t want that to happen again?”
“But why, Laura? Why do you even want to be friends again? Before the whole thing with Ell went down, you were ready to never even look at me again. What else could’ve possible changed that other than the break up?”
You can see how confused Carmilla is and you can feel yourself getting more anxious by the second. This is it. You have to tell her now. You open your mouth but the words do not come out. You shake your head, more frustrated about yourself than ever.
“I just… I just know you’re not a bad person.” You say instead but Carmilla is having none of that.
“Why? How can you be sure of that all of the sudden?”
You know she is not going to let this go and actually, you are glad that she is so determined to understand what is going on in your brain right now. Her persistence is what makes you finally get your shit together.
“Okay, Carm. I gotta tell you something.” You take a deep breath to stall for time and figure out the best way to start that conversation.
“Hey Carmilla! There you are!” Elsie hugs Carmilla from behind and essentially destroys all of your plans. “I was wondering where you went.”
“Told you I’d be at the campfire.” Carmilla answers slightly annoyed while her eyes are not leaving yours.
“And I told you that I wasn’t quite done with you yet.” Elsie retaliates and pulls Carmilla up from the log.
“I’m kind of in the middle of a conversation right now, so I’ll join you later.” Carmilla tries to get out of Elsie’s grip but you have had enough of seeing the two of them together anyways so you get up as well.
There is no point in telling Carmilla the truth now, when Elsie is around and clearly not even considering leaving the two of you alone for a moment.
“You know what, I’m really tired anyways. I’m just gonna go back to the hut and get some sleep.”
“Laura” Carmilla starts but you just raise your hand.
“No, it’s fine. Good night. Talk to you tomorrow.”
You leave without waiting for a reaction and barely notice Elsie’s obnoxiously happy and high “bye” she sends after you.
You hate how you feel when you see the two of them together or when you know that they are together right now. You hate that you keep checking your phone for texts from Carmilla to ease the jealousy that is slowly overtaking you. You hate that you just cannot seem to be able to open your fucking mouth whenever it comes to letting Carmilla know how you feel, or just generally letting Carmilla know what you know.
You are still insanely frustrated about the whole situation when you are lying in your bed, staring at the ceiling and completely unable to fall asleep.
All rational thoughts seem to leave your mind as you seriously consider sending Carmilla a selfie just to get this whole thing over with.
Luckily, Carmilla chooses that exact moment to enter your hut. Like the coward that you apparently are, you quickly close your eyes and act as if you are sleeping to avoid continuing the conversation you so desperately need to get behind you from before.
You hear Carmilla softly calling out your name but you just focus on keeping your breathing deep and regularly and do not react to her in any way.
She lets out a frustrated sigh and then heads into the bathroom to assumingly get ready for bed. It is not until she positions herself in the bed below yours, when your phone lights up to notify you of a received message.
LargeMidnightPanther: What are you up to rn?
CookieMonster: Not much.
CookieMonster: Trying to not be too affected by the person I have a crush on hooking up with someone else.
LargeMidnightPanther: And here I thought I was the one you had a crush on. Didn’t know I had someone else to worry about ;)
You scoff and put your phone down. This is ridiculous.
“Goddammit Carmilla, it’s me.” You say out loud without thinking.
“Okay? I was kinda hoping it’s you and not some sort of stranger laying in your bed right now.” Carmilla answers, clearly irritated by you not sleeping and speaking out of nowhere.
Your chest feels heavy and for a moment you consider just turning around and acting as if nothing had happened. But then you remember the last week and your conversation at the campfire and you know you have to do something about it.
Screw it.
CookieMonster: You’re such an idiot.
LargeMidnightPanther: Ahh, that’s my charm. And I know you love it.
CookieMonster: I really don’t think you know what’s going on right now.
CookieMonster: I can’t believe you always used to say that I was the oblivious one, Carm.
You can hear Carmilla sit up in the bed below yours.
“What the hell?” She whispers and you are not quite sure if you were meant to hear that. “Laura?” She says a bit louder.
You close your eyes and take a deep breath.
Here goes nothing.
“Large Midnight Panther. Honestly, I’m a little embarrassed that it took me so long to get that. I mean… how did you even come up with that nickname? And don’t tell me it was because of that one time I gloriously failed at charades.”
Carmilla still does not move from her position on her bed so you decide to stop being a coward and get out of yours. It is when you stand in front of her that you greatly regret that decision. The look on her face is nearly unreadable. The only thing you can make out is her obvious surprise at the revelation. You cannot blame her for that though, you did not necessarily handle that situation any better.
She is staring at you without saying anything and it makes you so nervous you fall back to your signature rambling.
“I’m sorry. I swear, I have only known it for a week and I should have told you immediately but you went through so much with Ell and the cheating and the break up and I just didn’t know how to tell you without hurting you more. And I mean… you literally texted me that I was the only one you could talk to about this and I mean… I’m probably not because you hang out with Elsie all the time and surely you must have mentioned that to her as well but still, I didn’t want to take that away from you cause I want to be here for you but I also knew you didn’t want to talk to real life me about it because you’ve been avoiding me so badly.”
The surprise slowly fades from Carmilla but she still does not say anything.
“Please don’t hate me. I know this is really fucked up and I shouldn’t have kept you in the dark about this but I really just wanted to help you.” You take another deep breath and wait for Carmilla to do or say literally anything but she just sits there and stares at you in silence.
“I’m sorry.” You say again and falter a bit at the lack of reaction. “I’m gonna… go and… give you a moment.” You awkwardly point towards the door behind you and turn around, not caring about the fact that you are about to go into the forest in you pajamas, when Carmilla finally speaks up the first time in what felt like ages.
“You’re Cookie Monster?” She says quietly and you turn around to face her again.
You are scared that opening your mouth is going to end in another ramble so you just stay silent and nod.
“You don’t think I’m a horrible person?”
You shake your head no.
“You don’t-“ Her voice breaks away a little bit. “You don’t hate me?”
She sounds scared and it breaks your heart. You let out a breath you did not know you were holding and shake your head again. “I could never hate you, Carm.”
She takes a deep breath and lowers her head for a moment before looking up at you again. It is dark around you but you can still make up the tears in her eyes, which nearly makes you break down as well.
“Can I hug you?” She whispers and you barely hear it.
It takes you a second to process her question before you breath out a quiet “yes” and in a blink of an eye you are embraced by her.
A sob escapes your body as you bury your neck in your former best friend’s neck and let yourself be truly close to her for the first time in three years.
You have missed this, you have missed her so much that having her in your arms again almost feels painful.
Your heart is pounding in your chest and it is so hard you are almost certain she has to feel it, too.
The two of you stand there hugging each other so long your breathing starts to sync up, but neither of you make a move to break the embrace.
Carmilla is the first to break the silence.
“I feel like you know a bit more about how I am feeling about all of this than I know about you.” She mumbles into your neck but not in an accusing manner.
“Do I? I mean… I told you a lot about me as well. You just didn’t know that it was me.”
“You know what I mean, Laura. I just… I want us to be on common ground with this. I really don’t want to misunderstand each other on that level again.”
You pull away from her a little bit so her hands are still around your waist and yours around her neck but you can look her in the eyes again.
“I get that.” You say and you have to smile a little bit. “I can’t forget about everything that has happened but I… I forgive you. It’s okay. We’re okay.”
She smiles back at you for a moment but then looks at your feet with a small frown on her face.
“Right?” You ask hesitantly and a bit insecure.
“Yeah. Of course, it’s just…” She looks at you again and seems vulnerable. “Thank you, really. It means a lot and I… I never thought that you’d even want to forgive me for all the shit I’ve done but…” She pauses again and bites nervously on her lip.
It distracts you way more than it should but you ignore that feeling in your chest and focus on her eyes again.
“That’s not what I meant.” She states and you look at her confused.
“I’m in love with you.” You are taken aback by the lack of uncertainty in her voice and her look.
Carmilla was right. A part of you knew this already. From the messages she had sent you over the last week, it has become clear that she cares for you. You never let your mind go that far though. Every time she had texted something about how much she cared for the friend she had hurt so badly, you tried your best to shut down all the hope that your feelings might not be one sided.
You do not realize that you left her hanging with no answer for a rather long time until she starts to pull back, her mouth opening, ready to apologize or defend herself or whatever. You do not let her get to the point of talking but instead harden you grip on her shoulders and pull her towards you. She does not fight the motion but shortly before you close the distance between you, you pause and look at her.
Her mouth is slightly open as she breathes somewhat faster than normal, her eyes constantly switching their focus between your eyes and your mouth. You give her enough time to pull back but when you realize that she does not do that, you finally close the gap between you.
Your first kiss is brief and way too short for your liking and you can tell Carmilla is too stunned to actually kiss you back. It does not take long for her to pull you back in and properly kiss you this time.
It is so much better than the first kiss. Your heart is pounding against your ribcage and you cannot believe this is finally happening.
You do not break apart for a long time but when you do it still feels like it was not long enough. Both of you are panting, trying to catch your breath while your foreheads are still touching.
Carmilla lets out a shaky laugh and you cannot help but to smile brightly at her.
You know this does not fix everything, especially not at once but for the first time in a long time you feel genuinely happy and hopeful that soon enough, everything will be okay.
You kiss her again. It is shorter and sweet, but not one bit less meaningful than before.
“I’m in love with you, too.”